All I wanted to say

and he chose to "burn" my "alms"

2010-09-29T11:22:00.000-07:00

My blogs have been far and between. But then, they have never been continuous. Much of innumerable instances of great magnitude have passed. And yet, today I resolve to write. And write this very instant.

Today, I was at a bus stop. Yes, I am currently on the use-the-public-transport-and-save-Earth mission whenever I can. So, we had to go to the city and ma and moi decided to take a bus ride. Just as we got near, we saw an elderly man in very modest clothing. As soon as we got into the "bus stop area", he stretched out his hand for alms. One look at people with out-stretched hands, my heart wails. Yes. I am one of your it-is-her-types-who-encourage-beggary girl. Try as I might to get them out of it, I can't.
Before I could cast one of those longing looks at my ma, she had already given him a one rupee coin. Nope. I was not satisfied. I kept looking at him. My attention was drawn to his ankle where I noticed that he had a really deep wound on his left ankle and it was out there. Bare. I cannot describe what I felt that instant. It was almost as if I was witnessing something so dreadful that I must have stared at it in disbelief. Right then, I just wanted to tell him one thing- to get his wound dressed. I went to him, handed over some money and said, " Please get your wound cleaned". He looked up at me very gratefully as though I had done him a big favour and shook his head. I repeated what I had told him. He looked up and and vocalized gratefully. He cannot speak, I realized. I gestured to tell him what he must do and went back to where we were standing, all the while looking at him and his wound. He stayed there for a few minutes and then walked to a small shop nearby that had a huge bunch of bananas and li'l munchies in those huge glass jars.

I was touched. I knew he wanted to buy himself something to eat. I kept watching him. I probably did it on an impulse. The shopkeepers for sure must have thought I was giving them weird stares. He doodled in front of the shop for a while and then I could see him trying to communicate with the shopkeeper, the shopkeeper bringing out something from what seemed like a box, the man waiting to collect something from the shopkeeper. As the shopkeeper was packing something below the table, I presumed that he was wrapping some chaklis or nippats.

And then, I saw it. A whole mega-pack of Ganesha beedis. I was shocked. I felt dumb too.For some weird reason, I felt that I had wronged him. My friends tell me that I am doing the wrong thing by giving alms to people. That, I must not encourage this. It is never the money. It is not even the smoking-causes-lung-cancer-and-air-pollution thoughts or why is he spoiling his health thought that was on my mind.It is something beyond that. As he sat by the bus stop, lighting one beedi after the other, I didn't feel angry with him. I was apalled by his resilience. Was he so accustomed to his wound that he felt no pain? Did all the smoking give him some form of relief? Was he not hungry at all? Would it not have been better if I had actually bought him something to eat? What ensued in less than half hour has set me thinking for long now.

I continued to think till the bus came and beyond. As I turned to see him one last time, I smiled to myself for he had chosen to burn.my alms

P.S. The post was just a reflection like the other posts of mine. It may seem so commonplace that none of you may even read till here. But then, I am sure there are many of you out there who carry similar feelings and have helped people in many ways. Did you witness something thought provoking? Have you ever reflected on the aftermath later? Seen something out of ordinary? I'd love to know.

What do I want?

2010-03-27T11:36:00.000-07:00

I have this huge urge to leave the post empty. The title is pretty much all I want to ask.Rather, know. And before you imagine some such incident that might have sparked off the post, let me gesture a violent "NO".It hasn't been one incident. Rather, a series of my thoughts and wants that have led me to this position. To wonder - what do I want?
This is not a post meant to evoke I-thought-she-was-fine-what-happened-to-her reaction :P For the record, I am indeed fine. Probably a li'l too fine, oflate :P

No. Don't mistake this to be indecisiveness. It never has been that. I think, the problem is in my prioritising. Like now. With 4 deadlines beckoning, I had to blog. I just had to. Impulsiveness? Foolishness? Or am I the "you-are-not-serious-about-your-work" typos?

Nah. I am surely not. Okie. Maybe impulsive to an extent. Foolish. Lets not even go there. And who says am not serious about my work? I surely am.I enjoy every bit of "most" of it. As long as I am doin' it by choice (which I mostly do) it is fun! Aah, yes! There are the inevitable episodes that are expected of you which I somehow manage to do too. Would not dare use "enjoy" there.

Maybe I see myself as being too special :P But then, special isn't always with a positive connotation, though I meant the positive one here :P Why on earth would someone want to be doing everything? Why on earth would someone be interested in a hoard of myriad issues and disciplines that the only way to accomplish them all is to have a lifespan of a tortoise multiplied by 2?

Call it over-ambitious. But it is true that it is hard to satisfy someone who lives on dreams. Each li'l accomplishment only leads to more want. Happiness is but momentary and you'd want to make sure it lasts, forever. For you and for others.

"Try closing your eyes and see what is that one thing you want or wanted always?", is what most agony-aunts tell you. Not that I have been told this. But have watched far too many episodes of this kind to be able to predict its next occurrence. I have to admit that I have tried it. And was even more confused :P

Agreed. It is the much talked about human tendency to want and want more. I am not referring to that kind of a want. It isn't the "want" want. It is more about nullifying wants. It isn't just about making changes, you see. Almost like - Doing everything you can to make it want-free :D

Alright. Am not making any sense. Still, I "want" to go on.
Probably a few of you would tell me that it is good to have a lot of wants and I may get a few of them done, actually. But will I ever be satisfied is a question :P Perhaps I will be. For that one whole moment.

It is funny how everyone(most of them) dream of changing the world but end up changing their dreams. Is it even fair to comment given the circumstances? I don't know. I don't want to either. I am sure that I wouldn't understand :P

And my mind doesn't permit me to find words to express what I feel right now. Some lexical access issues, perhaps. Or maybe it is just a phase. I'd like to believe it is not. For, life seems so very exciting now. Wanting to do a lot of things and not knowing to prioritise isn't so bad, after all. You'd never run short of hobbies in the worst case.

Am not a list-person but still li'l ticks in my mind will be great moments, am sure. On the forever-growing-mental-representation of my very own bucket-list :)

Piling higher and deeper

2010-01-01T11:51:00.001-08:00

Am on vacation. Rather "vacation". And hence :P Check the above link. Loved the above "graph" :P
oh yes! Happiee 2010!
When the whole world wakes up to a brand new day and a brand new year, I usually wake up to a a new day which I wish to be brand but get reminded that it is another countdown. Thanks to P, my life's great. How I wish the countdown wouldn't bother me even to the extent of blogging about it.
My life now.
1:26 A.M. Countdown continues. loud music at neighbours'. laughter. countdown continues. pages turned are markedly fewer than pages unturned. calls. new year wishes. piled books. photocopies here and there. pen marks all over. highlighters, markers and all of Faber's products seem the only nice things around. louder music.
laughter. ---- how I wish they'd realize my plight ---- P calls. Life is great. I talk. Life is greater. Countdown stops. music seems wonderful. realization that life is more than exams :P P says bye. Countdown starts. Eyelids droop. yawn. effortful eye-widening episodes. chk FB. No friends. guilt. more guilt. and guilt again. guilt. self-questions why aren't others online. realizes that everyone isn't that dumb. gets scared. forgotten books. go to the pile. vini, vidi and veterina of Phd. slop down. can't believe oneself. yawn. P calls. close books. go to bed. guilt disappears. wants to live for the moment. why force? realizes that everything done was by choice. why not this? talks. happy. g'nite sign.
use calendar on mobile to hope for some kinda miraculous increase in number of days. countdown is getting shorter. it is past 12.
guilt. close eyes tight and wish tomorrow is a better ( read: more productive) day. forgets everything. hugs pillow. why aren't there exams for the longest sleeper? or the happiest sleeper?

Tomorrow arrives.
See above.yesterday repeats.

Christmas and new year = odd sem exams.

:P

To opt or not to opt!!!!

2009-11-09T04:45:00.000-08:00

TOI, DH, IE, Hindu…. Rediff, yahoo! Just about everything was gung ho about 10th exams going optional! So much so that, the permanent link to the rediff item ends in “govt-makes-strong-pitch-for-educ-reforms.htm”. Hmmmm….
It was as though there was a furious re-arranging of the deck chairs going on as the ship sank. “The Class X board exams will become optional in all CBSE schools from the coming academic year (2010-11).”

NEWS!!!!
The government on Monday announced that it will introduce grading system in all Central Board of Secondary Education (CBSE) schools and make Class X board exams optional from coming academic year (2010-11).
Union Human Resource Development minister Kapil Sibal, during a press conference in New Delhi, said: “Central Advisory Board of Education (CABE) supports making Class X examination optional in CBSE system.”

And then the letters to the editor followed. I especially remember this one -
“This is a revolutionary bold step undertaken by a minister. Had it been taken by some one 30 years back, I would have also cherished by childhood instead of remembering it as the most traumatic period of my life. Anyway, I feel happy thinking that atleast now onwards god gifted human life specially its child hood will be remembered happily by everyone. Learning should be always a happy and enjoyable experience. The moment it becomes an unpleasant painful job, it will fail to fulfill its objective and the whole exercise of education system will be futile..Last but not least it is an humble request to the hon'ble minister Sri Kapil Sibalji, to think about the entry age of children of going to school.”

And that set me thinking. One of those Wordsworth’s “pensive” moods I guess. I didn’t know what it meant to make an exam optional and replace it with a “grading system”. The grading system is “an aptitude exam, which schools can use to test Class X students on their level of understanding in each subject.” What’s the distinction and what difference will that distinction make?

Won’t the student’s competitive spirit dampen? Won’t it all get diluted? What’ll happen to the good ol’ days of studying? Will students succumb to the “chalta hai” attitude? Will parents no longer push their children to be their best? What will happen to the torches of tomo? Won’t all of them make it the easy way?
But then, a move such as this one must have really been under consideration for long and probably after a long deliberation, implemented. So, what must have been going on in the mind of Kapil Sibal when he introduced this move? As he put It, it was to de-traumatize education.

Interesting! I pondered.

How many of you had to forego your cricket camps because it was “10th board exams?” “Oh! I stopped sending sheela to music classes.. after all, it is boards this year.she ought to be studying!” I could hear my neighbour say. My own brother discontinued cricket because 10th was board. One promising left arm spinner, lost! Why, you ask? Because, after 10th it is pre-univ and board-time again! So, it never goes beyond that. Atleast, most of the time. I at times wonder, what would have happened if the parents had continued to send their children to extra-curricular classes instead of just sweating it out in front of books! Instead of making them write the grammar lessons which they never really understood a zillion times just coz’ u can score a 100 in Sanskrit. Or grab all the formulae that the student came across lest he miss out on something that may appear for "one" crucial mark in “the boards!”. The young singing talent lost her voice because she was made to read aloud her history dates early morning everyday – so loud and clear lest she forgets them. Or seen parents askin' children not to read the latest knowledge bank or maybe even tinkle, coz it doesn’t have Board curriculum! Huh! These are just a few of the most generous and lenient instances.

I haven’t touched tuitions yet. When the rest of the whole world blissfully sleeps, alarms go ringing right from 3 or even earlier and then you know! That there is a student who is appearing for the “Boards!” oh yes! Ofcourse, you realize. Their day starts this early. And when the rest of the whole world thinks of jogging and getting some good refreshing exercise, the “Boards” victim is off on his bicycle carrying with him a rucksack as though on an expedition. Socials, science, math and what not! Yes, he has to finish his math tuition and then run to science classes! And there is hardly a gap of 15 mins. Ofcourse, he can’t come home. The tuition is faaaar off! Great!

The whole world cheers TZP – makes it a runaway hit! But hypocrisy prevails when it comes to treating their own kids! If you are a 10th std board candidate, try taking your easel and do that sketch u always wanted to do. And you’ve had it! “U are in Board! This isn’t the time to be doing it! Do it in ur summer vacations” comes the call. You drop what’s in your hand, totally frustrated, you walk towards ur room, pull out a book and all you can see is images of that one sketch you wanted to make. And nothing goes in.

Oh…. How could I miss the mocks! Umpteem number of mock-tests…. Mock state and national rankings…. More mock tests.. more rankings…. Life!
10th standard! That’s like 14 or 15 yrs! A teenager…. An inquisitive mind…. Hot blood…. Curiosity to see the world.. do something new…. Challenge…. Pursue their passion…. And ofcourse, Experience the sheer joy of childhood !Isn’t that supposed to be happening?

What is this life full of care, when we have no time to stand and stare?

What happened to the happiness lies where the heart is? What are we pushing them towards in the name of developing a competitive spirit? 7th and 10th students committing suicide coz’ they got a math problem wrong? You call that healthy?
And don’t ever blame it on the child, saying he was sensitive – you made him so! The system made him so! A child, probably a Sachin of tomo was killed because you failed to see the talent in him? Because board exams don’t measure your other attributes? Or you are looking down on the child’s innate abilities and are after him to acquire something new and beat others in it when he could have topped in his area of expertise?

The Board just does that. No doubt, it instills the competitiveness and urge to fight. But, what are we fighting for? 1 mark? 2 marks? Have you seen kids line up infront of the teachers’ desks being at their persuasive best for a quarter mark because that quarter will make them top? Is this the kind of competition we teach? So, what do you think will happen to these kids? They’ll never enjoy the process. They al become so result-oriented and selfish, that they fail to think beyond.
“I play to win” sounds nice when you really enjoy the play and learn along. Learning is not always measured by marks. Learning is an all-round phenomena. What you learn becomes crucial at a later stage.

"It is sports day after all! Stay at home and revise for that test next week. Don’t sign up for any dance events." "It is Boards this time. Don’t this. Don’t that."
When Kapil Sibal talked of de-traumatising education, he meant this and much more which can never be put down in words. The psychology of the child is so inexplicable – you never know what you can do by foolish acts not to mention education systems gone haywire!

Grading system overcomes all this to some extent. It is revolutionary. It is a positive move – one that instills hope that not everything is so bad after all. An optional system is in no way going ot dilute the quality of education, trust me on this. Students are not going t be let away with whatever they do. There is a constant evaluation happening and hopefully one that takes into account the student’s overall performance. So, this kind of monitoring will keep the student on his toes – he has to constantly perform but the difference being – there is no pressure , so scope for optimal learning accompanied by performance. A cool example of competence and performance nourishment sans pressure. Infact chn will have a more rounded personality. Isn’t this the optimal environ for growth?

Young kids should not be considered as computer hard disk memory so that we keep on storing information in the name of imparting knowledge. Through education let us not make the effort to make some one learned but let us kindle the light of desire to know the unknown by themselves. Education always meant that, didn’t it?

Coz' words are all I have ....

2009-08-21T04:50:00.000-07:00

"Smile, an everlasting smile.... ", the song runs through my head, repeatedly. I realize I have had this book infront of me for like 15 mins now but somehow don't recollect reading a single word of it. I feel funny. I feel guilty. I feel I have wronged someone. In short, I feel terrible.

R taps me on my shoulder - NR ( that's our terminology for no response). R shakes me and looks at me quizzically! "What are you dreaming about? Do you realize that I have been calling you like a dozen times now?", she asks, her eyeballs almost popping out in surprise that I, a super senior ( not self proclaimed, this time) can be so un-professional in a palce where I am supposed to show all the diligence, dedication and all good words starting with the letter d- . Little did she know why.

Actually, I myself don't know why. Am sure, we all have days when we wake up feeling a little funny and don't really look forward to the day. Am not referring to bad hair days or pimple-right-on-your-nose tip days but rather those days when the yesterday has left behind a not-so-pleasant feeling.

But what was it that made me feel so low? Song? Tuesday? Nah!

And then, I suddenly realized why. I saw her again. Yes! There she was, clutching onto her little rucksack and standing at the registration. I prayed to God that it was not what I thought would be. But alas! My fear turned out to be true.

"P, there is a case", I heard the call. P, is me ofcourse. Tiptoe-ing ( or is it tiptoing) as though my footsteps would wake a 1 year old child sleeping blissfully, I walked to the OPD room where the file was.

I saw the name on the file. "Girijamma", it read. (name changed for reasons of privacy and ethics). I was not surprised. Was she not the "Sarojamma" who came yesterday? And the "Savithri" who had come last week?

I walked out and called her name, "Girijammaaaa", looking at her, knowing very well that her name was not that. She looked at me and smiled. The warmth and the shine piercing my heart in a painful way. This smile was so different. I didn't feel happy looking at her smile. I felt guilty. I felt quite lost. Does she even realize what she is getting into? What will I tell her?

I smiled back at her. Perhaps, there was a long latent period thanks to the sudden influx of thoughts, she looked very reassured that I had actually smiled back at her. Knowing very well that I was repeating the protcol that wasn't necessary at all, I called her to the OPD room.

"So, Girijamma, what is your complaint this time?", I asked not able to look in her eye. "Illa doctoravva, Girijamma is my daughter", she said (in kannada ofcourse).

"your daughter?", I asked surprisingly. "Yes,my daughter is metally ill. She does not understand what I tell her. She cannot carry out her activities of dailing either", she said, fully thorough with what I would have asked her had she not told me anything.
"Where is she then?", I asked. She got up and brought her daughter inside. I looked at her daughter. A pretty girl hidden in a very ragged outfit sat in front of me. She seemed extremely disinterested in what was going on. Except for her attire, ( she looked like she was forced into wearing something that did not fit her or that meant to hide her beauty and grace), she looked fine. And yes, detached.

I caught her attention and said a hi. She looked into my eyes, and looked away. I felt funny again. I asked her if she had had her breakfast. She looked at me and nodded meekly. "What did you have, Girija?", I asked hoping I could hear her voice.

Her mother interrupted. "She can't speak. She can't understand. She is very disoriented, always. And foolish", she remarked. I felt my temper rising. "Please let her answer", I said as politely as I could, but knowing very well that I hadn't feigned the politeness-part very convincingly. The mother kept quiet.

"Girija, give me your hand", I said. She raised her hand a bit and as though she had committed a great sin, put it down and shuddered for what she had done. Ofcourse, I knew the reason. Her mother had pinched her thigh. Thank God for R who walked in to borrow something, that I regained my cool.

"You don't need to be scared of anything. I will help you", I tried to reassure her, afraid that the crack of my voice would give me away.

She smiled weakly. " Do you feel tired? Do you want to eat something? ", I asked, scared that I may scare her by questioning too much. She just shook her head.

I turned to her mother and wrote down teh complaints. The same list. No ADL. Her inability to follow instructions. h/o epileptic seizures. Total dependence. No conceptual skills intact. The list went on.

I hated diagnosing her. I knew she was well. I knew she could think like us. I knew she had wanted to talk too. I knew she was just another like me.
But deep down, I knew why she behaved that way.

Hadn't her mother come for a disability certificate that entitles them to a monthly allownce of 1000 per month and free train travel for the caretaker and the person with disability?
Yes, I suddenly knew why I had been upset. I had seen the lady who had brought her daughter coming for a certificate for herself saying she had other problems related to hearing. She had then brought another elderly man with her, who said that she was mentally challenged and could not speak. When they were told that such issues do not entitle the to receive a compensation and were explained what kind of a disability would fetch such a certificate, she had told me that she'd get her daughter who is "mentally ill" and that she would claim a certificate.

As I stood waiting for the supervisor to see Girijamma, I knew very well that she would get nothing that had come wishing for. And I really feared that.

I knew what was haunting me.
I looked at the lady. I saw the wrinkles and the dark circles. And the worry in her eyes. It touched me to know that a person can go the extent of calling her own daughter a person with "mental challenges" even when she was not. How much it must have pained her whenever she had to lie about her daughter!

Over my years here, my perception of a person who lies has changed.To call your own with harsh terms such as "handicapped" to meet ends meet makes me feel drained out at times. I won't pretend that am strong. I believe one needs to really see and experience these instances to grow as a person. It is just another example of learning outside classrooms and football fields.

The extent to which one's hardship makes lying inevitable is cruel. Gruelling.

And knowing all this and denying a person an allowance and to send them away empty handed, leaving them a few rupees poorer ( all that they spend on travelling and food) and all the physical exhaustion they endure ( umpteen check ups and departmental visits), all the mental fatigue ( they actually try to come up with various problems to try their luck in various departments) - trust me, is a hard hard job!

Knowing that th allowance is meant for persons with genuine disability and discharging your duties ethically is one thing. But then trying to justify this to your conscience that screams for attention is another. And somewhere, along, we concede; to what, is unanswerable.

I realized my file was on the table. And history would repeat itself. Like yesterday. Like the week before. And I had to see her sad face again. Whom would she bring the next time?

I wished for an answer. An appropriate one, not the evasive ones. I was thrown into the perpetual dilemna again. I hated helplessness. Experience doesn't always teach you to get used to things. Some things are meant to be the way they are.

I shied and looked at Girijamma sitting in ront of the supervisor. Detached. Her mother, joined her hands as mark of respect and sat on the chair, smiling as obediectly as she could; trying to be her best.

And I relived my fears once again.

My name is Mahadevamma..

2009-05-20T09:54:00.000-07:00

We had recently been to Talkad - my cousins, their parents, my family and ofcourse, the I :)
Talkad - hmm.. kind of brings up images of paths of sand, Alumelamma's curse, those small temples along the path that leads up to the Kaveri at which you will find yourself casting double and triple glances to make sure if that indeed is Kaveri. Dont't ask me why. The whole water body seemed to be covered in dirt. No matter how far I tried to look, I could see the typical dirt-green. Blech! And there are people everywhere. No, it is not the people I have a problem with, but their bathing, brushing and spitting acivities. They treat it like a shower. It really gets into you to see people getting soap and shampoos to Kaveri. Wasn't that supposed to be the "dip" that one had to take? I'd prefer the non-polluting version of water-play.

Talkad to me meant that. Atleast till our trip. Talkad to me was water and temples and sand. And that's when "Mahadevamma" happened.

We had hired a tempo traveller and once we reached Talkad, we got down at the entrance so that we could have a nice chettery walk and look at everything at our own pace ( nice walk in the sun is a little oxymoronic, eh?) anyways, after having gotten off, we began walking, reminding each other to take as many snaps as possible ( you see, with the present-day schedule of anyone, even my 7th standard-cousin, it is not often that you go on family trips and we were all excited).

After like around 20 steps, we stopped to look around. We saw a a huge rectangular shaped construction below us. It was hollow with nothign inside. Our divergent thinking paved way for various creatie answers and suddenly we heard a voice behind us - " that king take bathing there." We looked around to see who had said that and saw a quirky elderly woman, very lean but with bright eyes doing the most of communication. One of my aunts asked her as to who she was.
"My name is Mahadevamma", she said.

"wow! She speaks English", one of my younger Bishop cottons- cousins exclaimed.

"Yes! I know English. Butler english",she blushed.

Thinking that she was there for money, one of my "cautious" uncles asked her what she wanted. "We don't need a guide, please", he said.

" Waaaaa.. yaakang aaditra budhi? I only helping. You seeing",she said.

"How sweet", is not what I really felt but she surely had the courage to come up and be confident about whatever she knew and what she wanted to do.

Now, my dear mother just cannot stop herself from "interacting" with people.
" How do you know english?", she asked seriously.
"Oh, many people coming. I talking talking talking talking. Bidiyamma adenu dodda vishya ( leave it, what's so great about it?)", she replied.

No, my mother wouldn't stop at that.
" You know ABCD..?", she asked.
"Yes yes. I know", she said.

Can you recite it?", my mother asked. I wasn't surprised. She makes sure she knows them in and out and then gives them those "tests" to test the veracity of their claims. Moms are like that.

"oh.. thatuu very simple. Bidi", she said adding that she may have forgotten it as she doesn't get a chance to revise it.

By this time, I must have wandered off in amusement, towards the edges of the path when I heard her call out to me " chinnu.. hey, you chinnu.. orange. come this side.. follow me." I turned back so astonished and saw her lookign at me. " you only, chinnu.. orange chinnu", she said looking at my orange top.

Phew! I smiled at her and asked her if she works anywhere and her family. She told me that she had 2 sons, one in college and the other in 7th standard and she worked a few houses as a helper to make ends meet and on weekends she would go around with tourists.

"My name is Mahadevamma", she added after furnishing all the above details. "eh?", I wondered but later on realizd that she has the habit of adding " My name is Mahadevamma.. mm." The "mm" was always with an air of attitude that said " Am Mahadevamma. Don't mess with me" kinds.

Soon, she had a name for all of us. All my cousisn were guys and soon they all became Kannada actors. One became Sudeep, the other Darshan, Ganesh, Vishnuvardhan, Uppendra (Uppi, to be precise) and what not!
Even our boxer Rocky who was with us became Ravi ( Ravichandran, remember?) "Hey, Ravi! COme this side darling", she called out and I had a strong feeling, Rocky blushed though he did not really follow her.

"Going river, temple half hour", she sudenly shouted out of nowhere and I wondered if she was trying out a poem with rhyming effects ofcourse. Naa, she was only telling us that we are going to the river and that we can finish seeing the temple in half an hour. Atleast that's what her kannada translation meant.

Interesting, I thought!

Oh yes! She also let out strings like " Don't care, don't change", " ok, have a good day", at anyone she saw and we were so amused by her behaviour.

Finally, when she left us by the river, we felt so sad that she wouldn't accompany us for the rest of the journey.

Those few lines of English were her livelihood. Not just hers but quite a few people there who would show around foreign tourists. The foriegners would laugh everythime they heard a " come this side. Follow me", but little do they know that these peopel have learnt the language for reasons that go beyond communication - their food.

When Mahadevamma saw a few foriegn kids laugh at her English, she looked ta my mother and said- " avru chikkavaru. en gothilla. munde nan thara doddavaradaga avrige gothaguthe. avaga naguthara? ( they are small. Ehy don't understand anything. When they become as old as me in the future, they will unerstand. Then, will thay laugh at me like this?"

More than the river, the sand, the stories behind Talkad, Mahadevamma was the interesting find. I will never be abl to describe her in words. There was somethign abou her. Something beyond teh language she had learnt. Maybe the cofidence. Or maybe the rappport she instantaneously built wth us - a few of us.
My cousisn who she nicknamed "Ganesh" didn't really iek it , not after she told him that he is plump like Ganiesh :P

She signed off with, " Next time you come herre, you must come home. Just ask for " english mahadevamma's house" and they will tell you", she smiled an waved a quick english-bye before running of t oanother tempo traveller that had just arrived.

Surely unsure maybe..

2009-03-24T09:38:00.000-07:00

( Don't ask me to explain the title - for reasons best known to the author. oh yes! The author still exists and wants to resurrect her blog. Like the last time,).

Corruption is the funniest phenomenon. Not the funnily funny, rather the “funny” funny.
Trust me, it gets so weird and shocking when you come across corruption in the weirdest and the unimaginable-st places and for further more unimaginable things. Like last week. The week beforet he last. Yesterday too. Never mind.

I think N will remember this debate competition we attended more than a year back as part of a literary event organized by one of the engineering colleges here.
The topic ran like this – “ Corruption should be accepted as normal state of affairs in any nation”
I won’t circumlocute on this. I spoke for the point. Not pulling my hair off as to how one can even suggest such a thing I wanted to be the cool-headed one ( atleast I’d like to believe so) I decided I would be for the motion. Not without stressing the much hyped and yet needed “limits of acceptance” ofcourse. And obviously, I wasn’t the only one who felt so ‘cause it was a competition and we had to go in twos with one speaking for the motion and the other against. I had ample people whom I proudly called my obligatory supporters.
What I spoke is another issue and probably another blog. For now, let us get to the purpose of this blog. The “debater”, I’d like to call him.
The “debater” who shook the podium, pushed it almost offstage, ate the mic, banged the poor podium (poor thingy!) and who used a neo-version of American sign language interwined with manual alphabet and ofcourse assisted by a few looks ( courtesy: WWF ; is it still called by that name?? ). The same “debater” who cried hoarse and scorned and laughed and jeered at how we could even think of such a thing as accepting corruption. “ Corruption!! Corruption, you say!! Ha ha!! Normal state of affairs?! My God! Corruption!! How could you? I mean.. how could you?”, he bellowed. It was then, that I appreciated the root word “belli” that gave rise to “belligerent”.
I was only relieved that he didn’t strangle the organizers for even thinking of such a topic for debate.
Some people were in total rapture and some even laughed. “ Please give him some water”, I heard myself say, much to the amusement of judges who were sitting close to me.
After 3 + 1 min + a few more seconds of agitation, commotion and all the – tion ending words that mean what I want to say, he left the poor podium and went back to his seat, his ears pink and fuming. I couldn’t help picturising the yahoo messenger emoticon for anger then.
But somewhere long, I felt happy. Atleast he is passionate about what he spoke, I thought. In his own way.
There was a break between and I left for home. On my way back, I saw that the traffic police were inspecting driving licenses near the traffic signal and as I stopped at the signal, I saw that the “debater” was there, saying something to the traffic policeman, handing over a 50 rupees note. Mellow and apologetic, it took me a while to confirm if it was him.
Ofcourse, I understood what must be happening.
The first emotion I felt was not shock. Rather, pretty much like any of you out there, I felt angry. And then, the huh- so much-fo-all-that-drama onstage.
It really pains me to think that people debate on issues to win that prize or tell the others that they have good “public – speaking” skills.
I don’t deny that everybody likes to win. To make their point. To be appreciated. But how is debate a debate, when the speaker himself doesn’t believe what he/she says? Why, fight for a cause, when you would probably withdraw from it, when you actually face a challenging situation? Why advocate something only to go against it minutes after you have spoken for the same? Why all this uncertainty?
Most of all, why name politicians as hypocrites when you yourself couldn’t make a small difference? If we aren’t truly passionate about what we say, how can we ever dream of a beautiful nation?

Like last week, I had this neighbour walk up proudly to my mom and talk proudly about how she flicked items meant to be given to poor women. This lady was a senior member of the Mahila samaj and you wouldn't want to know what all she "transported" to her own godown. If not for great honesty, certainly such acts can be avoided, can't they?

Our very own helper, who also works for an anganwadi surprised us, last week. She came to our place in teh afternoon unlike other days, after finishing her work at the Anganwadi. And guess what? she had the raw items of the mid-day meal in her hands - rice, dal and what not, all neatly tucked in 2 huge containers. And she came in coolly asking for water saying she was tired after carrying all the luggage. And when asked why she got what was not rightfully hers, pat came the reply " aa senior madam kotru. avru dina thogolthare",meaning that the senior madam there gave her that and she herself flicks the raw materials everyday.

That's pretty much how it starts. The story of the bad apple.

Sad, true but needs reforms bigtime!! And all that from us - the cliched "future leaders" ( Mr. K, I agree cliches are good :) )That would be another post, I guess and based on your responses, ofcourse :)

For now, I better pack those chocolates. Else, my little fellows at therapy will give me a tough time.
Bribe, for once, seems so endearing :)

Beautiful, she said

2008-11-15T09:02:00.000-08:00

I never thought I understood. Not completely ofcourse. She was so far away from me. Yet, I loved her so much. We probably shared something, right from the day I was born.
I entered this world with a Wagon R -like head ( if you know what I mean) maybe due to the hard labour my maa had to endure. Family members and friends , am sure, must have wrinkled noses at me at the disfigured baby I was. Probably I looked more like a beat-up football player :P
Then, comments followed :P
"Arey, whom does she look like?"
"Certainly, she doesn't resemble either of her parents"

But not her. Paati , thought I was beautiful. Her eyes twinkled with happiness when she held her first grand-daughter.
She told me, a few years later over kodbales & sajjappams, how it was love at first sight. She didn't really use the same words though.

Summer vacations to me meant paati and paati
meant food :) Just the thought of going over to the beautiful home she lived in, would make me look forward to it. The thought of travelling in a rickety bus ( that too, there were just 3 buses that would travel everyday at 5 A.M. , 11:30 A.M. and 4.20 P.M.) and the discussion that we would have at home to choose the bus, was something that I found very exciting.

I still vividly recollect Paati standing at the doorstep waiting for our auto.. As soon as I hopped out, she would always say the same thing.. " enna. paati ippo gnapakatuku vandaala?" ( you remembered Paati now??) and I'd always say.. " Ille paaaaaati.. school.. exams" and the same stories..After feeding us some great lunch that always had appalam, she would ask me about school.. She was a great listener.. She would always ask me about school, Chintu's kindergarten and later on school and unlike many paatis would encourage me to experiement new things..I remember her telling me that women, these days, need to study a lot, be ahead of men and all the revolutionary talk :P for someone as old as my paati, this was a really unique thingy..

There was this vacation, when I had been to Paati's place and joined a summer camp.. I'd come home late at 8:30 with an aunt and paati used to always wait at the door for me, even though her favourite soap was on T.V.
oh yes! paati and T.V. soaps shared an undefinable bond. She always watched Hindi soaps, especially there was this "Shanti" on T.V. and then "Junoon" which she used to watch with so much interest. She loved "Surabhi" on DD. She'd finish her work quickly so that she could watch all her soaps.. I remember her laughing , crying, shouting in sync with the actors on T.V. She had a particular chair for her soaps, at 45 degree azymuth.. I still don't know why she wanted that place..maybe it would help her see and hear better..but, whenever I think of her, this is one image I always have of her in her resting chair, glued to the T.V set..
Cricket!! was her life, would be an understatement .. she used to watch all the matches, ball-to-ball, even the highlights of matches that India won. I remember her cursing the Pakistan players, South African players, her head almost inside the T.V. screen.. I remember her asking my aunts to make a sweet after India won a really good match..

Paati, went beyond bedtime stories and rangolis. There was something unique about her. Everytime I went behind her and closed her eyes.. Piyu, she'd say and laugh. Of the 9 daughters, 14 grandchildren who had assembled there for summer, she knew it was me and I always loved her more at that moment..
And then, she'd always give me her hand-fan, something that I used to be fascinated with and would go on fanning her and tell her about li'l nothings.
Her most priced possession towards the later years was the mosquito-hitter, the electronic one, which looks like a shuttle racquet and you just have to switch it on and go phat phat phat and presto!! all mosquitoes die due to shock. I found it amusing too and still do. I used to wait for her to lie down and watch her go phat phat phat all over the place..
I remember her being there for my moggina jede , for many Janmashtamis, Sankrantis, for a few of our b'days, for a prize distribution.. Every memory I have of her, has her smiling face, those twinkling eyes behind the brown-rimmed glasses.

There was something that kept her happy, always. Even the day before she left us, she asked for a potable T.V. in her ward and watched a cricket match.
That was my paati..
I was not there when she left us.. and that is a feeling, I will always carry with me, till my last. " paati had promised me that she'd visit us that winter.. probably her only unkept promise..

When I looked at her fast asleep, never to wake up again, the magnitude of whom I lost hit me like a storm. Whom would I tell school stories to? Whose eyes would I close stealthily, from behind?The thought that Paati won't see me graduate,will never be there for my wedding, will never see her great grand child, came flooding to me and I stood shocked, not able to shed even one tear. I'd never receive all those goodie packets she'd give me when I left for the next academic year..
I wanted to cry too.. but couldn't..

But when I took one long last look at her , I could only think of one thing to say..
"Paati, you look beautiful."

Pandora's Box - 1

2008-05-05T09:39:00.000-07:00

The best word I coould think of when our director asked us to give her a feedback as to how our external postings were ( or was).
Yes! Today we officially had this meeting where we were asked to tell our director about our views on the current places of posting and voila! after a grand 5 months , we were overjoyed to see faces which we hadn't seen but longed to.. and yep! we naturally were ecstatic..
Enter meeting hall and the meeting which was earlier scheduled at 4 was postponed to 5 and we feel happier coz' that essentially means, more chatter n gabble in the seminar hall. If Ms. N happens to read this, she'll know what I am referring to.
So, yeah, with a few of us running away to the library ( for various reasons) and a few staying back, we had the feel of returning to our student lives.. the same cucooned life we had been leading pre-external postings..

Well, as part of our internship, we are posted at various health service setups.. only those run by the state/ central Governments and naturally, the experience is thrilling coz' you get to see life from the closest distance and the best too.. we see people, their smiles, their tears, their hopes, their dreams, their prayers, their love, their gratitude. their warmth, their unhappy turns, their joy.. just about everything that makes them.. and slowly, you get to appreciate it to an extent , you wouldn't have , had it not been for your own fortunate niche..
Let me try and give you a picture of what I saw .. in other words.. my experiences

Enter Govt setups 1.
Huuge hospital under construction, lot of medical staff, biiiig, spacious wards ( what was inside them, I'd choose to tell you later), lot pf pretty nurses ( :P ) , lot of young doctors-in-the-making,people who helped keep the hospital clean, a large-enough pharmacy which really had the first pre-requisite to supply medicines - space and ofcourse , interns like us.. and so on..

And ofcourse, the patients.... their caretakers.. li'l kids.. very elderly people..
The sight is really overwhelming, if you take a glance all around you and notice the diaspora of people who turn up here..
On one corner, you'll see a family squatting in front of the emergency ward , all panicky and waiting anxiously to know what the fate of the dear one will be, who has been admitted after an accident....
And then, in front of the gynic ward, you have a family celebrating, all smiles and welcoming a new one into their world - family and then , there are many groups in that too.. welcoming of a baby girl and a baby boy , by which, I am sure you know what I mean.. So, let us leave it at that..
And then, there are kids all around, with case files in their hands passing them from one dept to another, oblivious of all the tension surrounding the reports, for them a visit to the hospital is like a trip, they get to meet otehr relatives.. though there are a few really serious ones.. infact, I saw a kid flying a kite he had made himself probably from a newspaper inside the hospital!!
And then, the much dreaded sound of the ambulance and you know, there is something unpleasant coming.. maybe, it is the feel attached to it.. I , personally, am very very pessimistic when it comes to an ambulance and so, I decide at that very moment that something must be wrong..
And then, there is a happy family thanking a doctor for what he has done to their family, for having saved their child and so on....
And then, there is another father who desperately trying ot get the doctor's attention towards his child who looks so frail, that you wish you could do something for her, yourself.. you curse the doctor and look hopeful..

There isn't anything that I have told you and that you haven't seen in a hospital before.. But the sheer eclectic nature of it makes me feel drawn to it.. there is a mixture of so many emotions under one roof and all in a glance..

But there are alwaaays some incidents you strongly feel for and that linger in your mind over the years to come.. It hasn't been a loong time but there have been so many such incidents that have left an indelible impression on me and have made me cherish and remember my postings..

Let me tell you of these incidents one by one..

The first posting was in place X which has a new Govt hospital, atleast it has been renovated and is still being renovated for the last couple of years.. they have their own medical college too now.. a very impressive structure for a Govt hospital and has all the depts, huge impresive banners and direction boards that tell you where to go.. though at many places the banners are in english and i, at a point, wondered , who they were guiding.. themselves or the patients.. that a few patients are illiterate is another issue.. But what was annoying was the fact that , when these patients came around asking for directions , the people, like say the helpers of each dept. would be at the rudest behaviour..

" Can't you look around yourself? What are the boards for? Can't you read?" is what they would say and then, when the hapless visitor said he couldn't read , pat came the reply, " Who asked you not to learn how to read and write?" and the patient would still keep pleading and if we happened to be around, we'd tell them only to hear the " oh, madam.. these people are lazy.. they dont learn ow to read and write.. they come and eat our heads.. you dont help them ."

Now, advocating literacy is a good thing. Something, all of us wish to advocate. But in a hospital, with a petient on the verge of collapsing?
Now, I must pause to remind you readers, that my intention is not to complain but to just share my experiences and my views. Just a reflection of my thoughts :)

Well, lemme move along..
Well, when we were posted in the dept of ENT , Mr. M, who used to help us by bringing case reports, guiding patients and cleaning our rooms before we walked in , was an adorable man.
Having travelled by train and having dozed off at times too, we'd walk in quite fresh. Always a smile plastered on his face, he used to greet J and me with a " goooood maaaarning madam.. goooood maaarning madam " looking from my face to J's or the other way round. " o! ivattu tumbaa patients irlikilla .. hogi tea maadkond banni " ( " there won't be many patients today.. go have tea and come") he'd say.. forever urging us to go and have tea and juice and what not, he would complain about us not having sufficient breaks.. being around 55 or so, he still felt shy when we asked him about his wife.. he used to promptly go home for lunch at 1 and come a quarter hour late, around 2:15.. he'd give the key to us and say " nan hendru kaaythirthaale" ( my wife will be waiting) and we used to feel so happy for him and even tease him a bit.. and he'd never turn back to retort.. muttering away happily he used to leave us with our tiffin boxes..
Someday, when I meet him, I'll tell him that I wrote about him in english.. coz' he has this fantasy for speaking in english and would try his english everytime he could .. like J would ask seriously , " ellidri M avare? Doc avaagninda karitha idaare " ( where were you Mr.M, the doc has been calling you" and he'd pop up his really cute english discourse " I here only madam.. I not go .. I not go.. I see doctor" and rush inside..
Wonderful, people are!! Mr.M is one of them..

This place X supposedly did not have a welcoming note when we started out postings , for, we saw 2 murders happening right in the first week and naturally, it wasn't a very secure feeling, to be frank.. inspite of the much famed " people here are very brach" we saw some really wonderful people who were extremely welcoming and though they came to us as patients , they left us richer..
Ofcourse, we did see some really your-throat-or-my-wish typos too, but fortunately, we did not have to choose either of them and had our wish :P

The train travels were awesome.. we were posted at the district rehab centre too at times and that made us feel really good too :) the experiences of the DDRC and some issues I noticed, I'll probably post a little later..

When we were asked to go to this place for postings, we never had an inkling as to how it would actually be. What looked like sheer excitement and ofcourse filled with a bit of apprehension, went on to become a really cool cherishable phase..
I think I'll give a break here and continue posting my experiences..

p.s. Ms. N, if you happen to be reading this, my only repent is that I missed out on other categories of fun :( :P

of roads n chewing gum..

2008-03-14T01:03:00.001-07:00

Extrmemly pathetic title that is another attempt to showcase my humour ( I still call it one).
Well, just ask what can be so exciting about roads, and maybe you'd hear "M tv Roadies".
Bad one you'd say but the stay I had at the ladies hostel for people pursuing a pg in medicine, makes me dread the very name now.

I had heard of the show before ( thanks to friends)but hadn't watched any episode ( oh! how I wish it remained so).
TV room is something I hardly entered at the hostel. I had once had the misfortune of entering it when I had a wonderful dinner on my plate but couldn't complete it coz' the tall lady in the extremely bright green saree tied in an innovative way and with an extremely bold bindi that seemed to make you wish you could see her forehead a li'l more, made a poor hapless creature cry so hard on screen through out the episode with her nasty words that seemed to wrench her heart, I was left feeling so disgusted at the whole thingy, I had to walk out and go for a walk. It really gets exaggeratedly disgusting and leaves such a bad taste in your mouth.
Imagine how boring it can get. The producers and directors of these horrid thingies lack the creativity to intrroduce the idea of whether a character is negative or not. So, what do they do? They use the concept of bindi-size to let you get an idea as to how bad they are.So, I have this gyan now. Bigger the bindi, fancier it is, more expensive, more ding-dongs, the baddie-er the character is.
So, you know what to expect from a person the minute you see her.. Now thats is not all.. they have funny avatars too.. With costumes that seem to confuse you as to where they are worn from and whether they can be removed without tearing them at all, you know what kinda character you have stumbled upon. And oh yes!! they are always the ooh-la-la types. They forever have this eagle-eyed-look ( nowdont ask me how eagles do, you are supposed to know it by now) and they are forever using a high-pitched voice ( yea, the falsetto too) and they seem to sob for God-knows-why-reasons. And oh yes, they just cant stand the sight of "goodies". So, if you know annyone that a character matching the above profile hates, you just know that she/he is your "goodie". Not yours actually.
And the goodies are worse. They seem to endure every bad thingy that comes along and never open their mouth. They always miss out on the person by a fraction of a second or are distracted by something just when the person-they-were-serching-for-years passes by. And presto! you have the story of search going on and on. They are seen crying incessantly when they are alone and they do it wearing all the posh jewellery( jewellery is always posh maybe) and they sleep wearing the elaborate silk zharee work costume, with the make up that doesn't let you breathe and still continue to sob.And the make up still stays. water proof maybe.

And for all you adams, dont give that " females-are-like-this" smirk. Male characters are no less either. They are horridly evil and stare big-time. They look at you maliciously and they seem to hate good-girls too. They usually are seen boot-licking the big-bindiwalis and often do so clandestinely. At times, they forget that have to maintain secrecy and share evil glances very obviously but somehow seem to miss the dadaji, papaji, mamaji and all the other supposedly-better jis' eyes and are asked them to perform crucial tasks whcih inturn cause all trouble. My God!! Even the dialogues are so predictable. And so are the tasks. Say, dropping off the goodie whom the baddie wanted to finish. Or maybe getting to serve cola inspite of umpteen waiters around.Their as-sweet-as-honey-smile that seems absolute rot to me is what people fall for. Blah!

oooooooooooooh!! This post can be a never ending one.Maybe someday I shall add another sequel to this , if I am ever forced to acquire more gyan about this though am so sure things will never change. The soaps wont either.Not for another decade atleast. They need to do justice to the grand-kids you see.
Even after a year's time, the protagonist is still driving the same car to the same destination and there are hundred n one things happening simultaneously all of which have absolutely no connection at times and you have to actually wait for the ad break to make sure it is the same soap you are watching.
But the viewers are amazing though!! I mean, it sure needs an extremely high IQ to be able to keep track of all of them at once. There is the k-group, the p-group and so on. So, keeping track of all stories and their timings and the channels and everything else is indeed an appreciable task. I mean, give credit where due.
Things got pretty wiry when an aunt of mine watched 3 soaps simultaneously. The key is to make use of the ad-breaks, she said. But what was best was that she was juggling between 2 hindi soaps and a kannada tele-serial. My God!! Some multi-tasking. As if this isn't bad enough, you have cricket popping in between too.

Well, I have majorly digressed from the topic. I wanted to write a bit about Mtv Roadies and I ended up talking of saas-bahus and their patis and a few of their relatives.
Mtv Roadies was something that the hostel inmates loved watching and somehow were unanimous about it surprisingly. I was quite curious to watch what it was that made it all so interesting and sought after. Golly!!
What I saw amazed me. The entire show is just a test of how bickering you can get, maybe it could have been titled "bickering at its best" or " crib to win" or " be the worst you can" or "can you get worse than this?" or " 101 new ways to lament" or maybe something worse. All they honestly do is to talk utter crap about other members and keep taunting them and behave in a way that is so surprising that you left wondering as to how shocking a person can get. And I still dont know what the show aims to do.
I dont know the mechanics of the show. It maybe real. It maybe partially true and rest made up like any other show. But the point is, if it real, it is amazingly shocking. If it is not entirely and they are doing it to rake in money n publicity, then, it is amazingly shocking again.
Personal choice you'd say. But at times, it beats me. I am left wondering as to why anyone would want to watch it at all. Unless, you want a course on how best to crib, you wouldn't want to watching this. They have horrid questions, even more horrid answers and worse still, even more horrid judges. Yet, yet, yet, they manage to woo people into watching them.

Why do people watch them? Do they see a reflection of something in the participants that they can relate to? Or is it just that they find the whole process entertaining? If entertaining, what is it about it that they find entertaining? And pls, am not going to buy any of those" just like how you like boxing, I like this."
I cant think more on this. It is all too hazy right now. I guess I'll go have lunch. And nope not the tv room again. Thank God, am home.
Good ol' Tom n Jerry would do just fine.

Hey, wait a min.. why do I see a pattern here?

p.s. For all you viewers, lemme remind you that this was friendly banter but am amazed though. And yes, the much needed God Bless!

same ol' lame excuse.

2008-03-14T00:15:00.000-07:00

Yet again, I am to be blamed for it. Yes, totally my fault.
But what title would I come up with?

Had this been the first or even the second latency, I would probably use the much cliched " I/m back" or " yoo hoo" but then, unfortunately for me and maybe fortunately for you, this isn't the first time I am doin this. Everytime I am away I have started my post with apologies for the dormant period. But how may times can I afford to do that without irking the reader( if I continue to have any, that is).
So, this time I have decided that I'll just take the blame and say a reason and do the regular " you-know -what-happened" story.
I wasn't away without a reason. Thanks to our internship program that keeps me away from regular accessibility to internet when am in a mood to blog, I haven't been much around here. Oh yes, I have had these phases when I have wanted to blog but then, I cannot do it with a time contraint of one hour or with the cafe ppl peering into your monitor as if they find it unbelievable that a girl can type away and use a computer. Ooooji-ma!! Am so glad that I am back now.
so, without much delay, let' get started. Wear your seat belts and lie back ( rather the other way round) coz' I promise to serve you a glassful of insanity and some cracks for starters. Or maybe just continue to bore you.
But eithe ways, make sure you have your seat belts on. After all, on a journey like this, protection is of utmost importance. And you wouldn't want to take chances.
I think I shall stop here. Wouldn't wanna sound horrid right away.
Off we go again.. wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

These will be the days, my friend..

2008-01-12T06:26:00.000-08:00

There is one song that makes me nostalgic, the moment I hear even a line of it.. With all tribute to Mary Hopkins for churning out what I believe to be a true reflection of feelings that seem to sway in-sync with your thoughts every time you hear them.. and you are only left sighing , "how true!"

This was precisely the song that came back to me yet again, when I attended my brother's annual day program.. and I am not surprised!! Coz' this isn't the first time it has happened to me.. maybe a few lines of the song would help you see through what I am trying to say..
The lines are thus :

Once upon a time there was a tavern
Where we used to raise a glass or two
Remember how we laughed away the hours
And remembered of all the great things we would do

Those were the days my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd live the life we choose
We'd fight and never lose
For we were young and sure to find our way

Aaaaaah!! It still makes me feel a feel that I can never put down in words.. it is reminiscent of all my times at school.. and just when I thought it reminded me of school days, my pre-university days joined the list..and now, as I type this away, my years as a grad student will get in too..
I guess it is the same everywhere.. each of us, has that one song that you can listen to umpteen times and yet ask for more, coz' it isn't just about the song, you see.. it is probably more about alll those cherishable memories that come flooding back to you, each time you hear every line of the same..

And last evening,like many other days and evenings that is precisely what happened to me.. was my bro's annual day ,like I already said and I was one of the proud people out there , off stage, seated, playing the role of one among the audience .. with your eyes fixed onstage, tracing every move that happens, watching intently each one of those dance moves, listening to every note and getting into a character's shoes in a skit and what not!! Oh! Dont mistake me to be a bore who is like kinda glued to the stage and watches things as they are shown without a single of those wisecracks ; but you gotta admit, it sure is fun to be entertained.

Before you think, this isn't leading anywhere and that I am probably not getting to the point, let me remind you that there is no point that I am trying to convey eiher. Nope, it has nothing to do with my indecisiveness or my inability to be precise.

But everytime I heard those hoots and catcalls , giving that participant onstage,a bout of that stage-fright attack,when he/she had dared to render a solo performance,I could only smile. That attack of fear that seemed to engulf the person onstage no longer makes me sympathise. No, am not your wicked one. But then, I guess all these are what make one go onstage again and again. Some live through it the first time , while others pledge never to make a comeback only to be seen again. Sometime. Later. But a comeback, they surely will.
How can I forget the gang in the sidewings or right infront of the stage or even backstage? They are such a pleasure to watch. Sometimes,, I am more busy watching the person sidestage than the one onstage. Coz' the ones in the sidestage display more than what is displayed onstage. They are your friends. Your soulmates. Your special ones who are there for you , urging you to go on, watching every move of yous, crying in joy for that challenging dance move you make successfully, cheering that witty humour in a skit they have listened to a hundred times during rehearsals, tapping and clapping in rhythm to your song which you had been practising infront of them all along. They are what keeps you onstage and going. No, they aren't really cringing.They are not your fans. They are beyond all that. And I could never put it in words, try as hard as I may. With every clap and cheer, they bring pride in you. They, are what makes college so beautiful. They , are your friends.

Oh yes!! How can I forget those characters who seem to take an entirely new avatar or so it seems during college days and fests? Our very dear mentors in the classroom ( wouldn't risk talking of their roles outside though, for reasons I shall write about some other day). Yes!!they are there too..hovering about here and there, gesticulating vigorously reminding us that it their college day too :) and arm-in-arm with you, chuckling in glee or reprimanding a student organizer for that wrong lighting.They are your sidestage heroes too. And if you are the lucky one, you'll catch them shake a leg or two at that very venue. And then, you are left closer to someone you never thought could go beyond the realms of integral calculus or the periodic table.

And ofcourse, the proud owners of it all.. parents!! If at all, there is one thing that can make them tearful, it has to be that applause their child receives when onstage. No matter, what the role is. You can see them bending forward in their seats to see their kid perform aything onstage and I have always maintained, that they have red hands after their kid's item ;)

The above isn't all there is to it.I couldn't even dream of forgetting the rehearsals. My God!! They are the most beautiful memories , esp. after the event is a success and down the lane, you'll remind your troupe or even yourself of the hitches you had or of that joy at having conquered that tricky step, or even that rehearsal where you found your love and all those times you have cursed hard and harder till you couldn't find more words , when you had to get up early to practice for that fashion show or skit with drooping eyelids and sore feet. But then, all those curses are what woke each one up and then you meet up at the rehearsal , only too happy that there are others suffering your plight.
Beautiful moments.
Lot of them. I really dont think I can finish a post like this one today coz' it just can stretch on and on.
And then, when you are put in the place of a spectator, all your own lovely experiences come back to you. and you wish you had those days again. And again. You smile away and are really surprised when you find wet cheeks. You don't have to have wet cheeks( for all your toughies reading this post) but somewhere that chord strikes within you and the rest is magic.
What was it that made them so beautiful and make them so, even now? We don't really know. It is just about everything attached to the process.And you never really,at any point in time imagined they'd come to an end. You'd never think that busy years will rush you by someday and you have to leave all those that made you a beware-of-back-seater behind. Or that someday, you'll have just memories to cling on to.
And then, the song begins to play..

Once upon a time there was a tavern.....

Those were the days my friend, we thought they'd never end..
We'd fight and never lose
We'd sing and dance forever and a day
We'd liv the life we choose
We'd figh and never lose
Fpr we were young and sure to find our way....
la lalala..

of new year ,new hopes and new promises..

2008-01-01T05:04:00.000-08:00

Another new year is yet here, bringing joy and cheer..la la la la..
Aaaaah!! Not really worrying about the readership (if any, that is), what with these long gaps of absolute untraceable silence , I don't think I can ever expect to have a handful of readers.. but this is for those readers who I am sure, will someday read this post ( today, tomorrow or day after :P) coz' they are the ones who motivate me to write and they very well know, that it is they , I am referring to :)

First things first. Being not really scientific and rational myself ( there, I gave away my secret ), I have quite a few strong beliefs , though I must say that they are not without reasons and supporting evidence. One of these strong beliefs happen to be pertaining to the new year day!! Oh yea!! that is today..
Today, to me, is like a mirror of all the days in the year to come and what I do today somehow (or so I'd like to believe) goes on throughout the entire year ..and that's precisely why I want to be blogging today, not having anything in particular to blog about.. Today to me, is a wonderful place to be ..
And so, though you may wonder if blogging is really my passion (my promptness with blogs indicate otherwise ;) ) let me emphasize the fact that blogging still remains a hottie on my fav things to do list , though unfortunately, I am a very lazy girl who loves her sleeeep, bigtime!!

I would be really unfair , if I did not say a line or two on one of my most recent friends who'll go on to stay with me, as a fond memory.. yep! 2007!!
2007 , a really considerate friend of mine happened to be really lucky for me and nice too and though it feels a wee bit sad to let go of her(or him)I must move on carrying all the lovely memories.. that would only make way for a brighter and probably a more considerate 2008 :)old hopes and dreams waiting to be realized,a new lease of life,a fresh outlook, new resolutions,new dreams,new hopes, new committments, new ideals, new idols, new everything.. all this and more!!

I'm only too glad.. 2008 being a leap year, has an extra day.. man!!that sure means only one thing!! one more day n night of sleeep!!
Yea, I love my sleep.. what can you say? ;)
Oh yaa!! A very very great and cherishable year to all the readers and non-readers!! Make a lovely time ahead :)
And now to swing into action and go about my favourite pastime, that,which I wannabe doing thru'out the year..
Ofcourse, no prizes for guessing!!
Cheerio!! God Bless!

p.s. The above doesn't really qualify as a post. Am just humouring my fetish. The author doesn't claim any responsibility for any untowardly incident that happens to the reader(if any, I repeat, if any) after reading the above. So, go on, if you have read it and still sane(or continue to be what you were prior to reading the above) , you are just damn lucky ;) and will be so, throughout teh year :) [whatever, that means]

The story behind the footprints.

2007-11-19T10:31:00.000-08:00

Footprints.Many of them. Traceable ones. Not-at-all traceable ones. Let alone traceable , some are not even visible. They have been trampled upon by many a greater feet and some have been washed away.
Coz' they were footprints on sand.
And now , as I am trying to retrace them within my limited repository,I have this sudden suspicion as to whether I walked on an undesired path.

Who could have rubbed off my footprints? The footprints I left with so much care. With all of the perspicuousness.With all that caution. With all that encouragement from the others. With all of that limpid signs of having the goal right ahead in front of me.Am I dreaming? Have I overlooked? I must be dreaming.

But again, when I look back, out of sheer inquisitivess and hope , I am intrigued. Some of my footsteps surely seem to be missing.Not possible , I console myself and gear up for another re-search. But to no avail. But such footsteps, are few. All the same, they are missing.

I try to reason it. And after what seems like a moment stretching to eternity , the answer looms right in front of me. Yes. I chose the well-trodden path in those instances.
Those few instances , I walked the path , many chose to walk. Many who walked ahead of me and many who went on to walk after I had left my footprints, but not without trampling the rest.

Naturally, mine were missing. 'coz in those few phases , I hadn't chosen the least-trodden path. Had I cared to , I would have never had to carry out this unending quest for my footprints.'coz they would have been fresh and new and untrodden.

So , what happened to all that caution I had taken to carry out a quotidian routine?Were they needed? Your guess is as good as mine.

Now, I observe the footprints that stand out. They have been made on sand too. Only that, the path hasn't been trodden yet.Not to an extent that my footprints are erased. Erased from view. Erased from memory.
They are the footprints which I made inspite of all that I had to endure. Criticism and praise, alike.

They are the footprints that will lead others to me. Good and not-so-good, alike.

They are the footprints that people once made fun of.The qualified and not-qualified, alike.

They are the footprints that make me proud. Today and tomorrow, alike.

They are the footprints that will only be too happy to let others tread on them.Adults and children ,alike.

'coz they are the footprints that make me. Similar and different, alike.

'coz they are the footprints , I can cherish as mine.But most of all , they are my footprints that cannot be washed away.
Now and forever , alike.

Sunshine in a smile

2007-11-17T08:18:00.001-08:00

Life is a mixture of sunshine and rain
Laughter and pleasure, teardrops and pain

Coz' your life is nothing but all those moments
You can never put aside
Even when secure in the knowledge
That there is someone beside

You look for company
You pine in solitude
And there are times
When life is full of lassitude

And then there are memories
That keep you alive
The ones you secretly cherish
And hope to revive
For life is a mixture of sunshine and rain
Laughter and pleasure , teardrops and pain

So just keep on smiling ,
Whatever troubles you
Secure in the knowledge
That God is right beside you
After all ,there never was a cloud
The sun didn't shine through

Coz' your smile may make a life
And you may just not know
But my friend , just remember
You'll only reap
What you sow.

There sure is sunshine in a smile
Which would hide all those sorrows
And make you look forward
To a brighter tomorrow

Coz' life is a mixture of sunshine and rain
Laughter and pleasure, teardrops and pain.

False hopes

2007-11-15T11:00:00.001-08:00

Hope is the hatrack I hang my dreams upon.Hope is what keeps me going. To constantly hope and let others around you see the charm in it is what I wish I could eternally do. Come what may. But what would I do , if I were confronted with a situation where I hadto follow this and yet not really follow it , knowing that my hatrack may not the panacea after all? Would I still hope against hope? and let the other see the same? How right would I be, indulging in an act so blatantly dangerous?
And I just had this tumultous uproar of thoughts.

Yesterday. Afternoon. OPD.

I sit there vacantly staring. We have just had a lunch break and it would be quite sometime before patients start pouring in for assessments.

Then this girl walks in, all of her really walky-talky self. She comes really close to me , flashes a really chweeeet chmile and looks at me with those wonder-filled eyes. "This kid , must be coming to a hospital for the first time." She doesn't seem to have any concept of doctors and their injections. Thankfully , I was not wearing my apron either ( am sure the clinical coordinator wouldn't be reading this) .I was so overwhelmed by her gregarious nature for so tender an age , I just knew I had great experience ahead.

Wondering what could possibly be wrong with a kid like her, I asked the regular questions that constitute a case-history and well! Most of it seemed fine , rather , she was a certified above-average functioning kid.

And then , the father pulled out her reports. The scans.

And then , I didn't take too much time to realize what had brought them here.

Leukodystrophy

Looks quite fancy but you wouldn't want to know what it does to people.That the white matter in the brain is constantly in a process of degenration is one hard-to-swallow fact. But knowing that it is happening right to the person infront of you is another. Every moment. Gnawing away.
Ofcourse , I maintained a straight face and continued to smile. I wonder, if I let my inner conflicts have an upper hand and make the smile look deceiving. But I have done this many a time before. I just cannot make this act of mine fallible. Not any more. Experience , to quote the cliche , is certainly a great teacher. What it teaches is another thing , though.

And just as I feared , the father started pelting questions at me. He must have been dying to ask as many people as he could. And I had taken away his time , with my fusillade of case-history-comprising-questions.
" The doctors have told me that she would lose her mental abilities as time goes on and may finally die. You dont think that would happen , do you?", he asked. All of his anxious self and gloom seemed to form a blanket in the room.
" One can't be too sure of such things. The doctors have just told you of a possibility, right? Treat it as one. Am sure , with the right kind of intervention , she'll be just fine..", I smile at him so very confidently ,that I wish I had half of it right inside me at that instant.
No. It wasn't guilt that grappled me as I appeared confident.It was only fear of what I knew would ensue.
"They have asked me to take the child to 'XXX' hospital. They need to keep under observation for 10 days after which they'd suggest the line of treatment we need to follow . I also consulted Dr.SSS who has prescribed a few medicines. I asked him the same thing and he said that it is not necessary that I will lose my child", he said in a manner that only seemed to highlight the number of visits he must have made since God-Knows-when, into and out of hospitals.

I flashed a smile again. I just reminded myself that it doesn't cost to smile. But maybe, this time it would.

I looked at him , surprisingly in his eye and said " As far as I know , I am sure the kid will do fine as long as you are continuously monitoring her progress and getting all of her faculties assessed. Just make sure she is admitted to 'XXX' as soon as possible. You would not want to delay this. So , like Dr.SSS suggested, your child will certainly survive. Just keep your hopes alive."

I was so happy that I had said it without any hint of my inner conflicts. I secretly saluted to Dr.SSS who had done the same , the only difference being he was qualified to do it whereas I wasn't.
"I'll just run a few screening tests on her and let you know if she is functioning in accordance with her age", I said , clearly indicating that I had to carry on with the protocol.
Tests administered. And all the time , this li'l brat keeps hovering about like a li'l angel everywhere around me and I have this suddent suspicion about the veracity of MRI n CT and all those scary abbreviations..

" Neevu yaake white coat haakondilla ? neevu doctor alwa?" ( why aren't you wearing your white coat? Aren't you a doctor?) she asks, her big eyes , becoming bigger with wonder.
I just can't help laughing but this time , I only do it with so much more ease." Who said I am a doc? I am your new friend", I say in Kannada and she is smart enough not to take it.
She goes on about what she played in the morning and tells me to finish soon so that she can go home soon to her mother.
I am done. I cast one long look at the kid and turn towards the father. I have only thing to say. That she probably is smarter than the two of us put together.I reassure him that she is performing at a level that is higher than what is expected of her and that he does not have to worry.
I remind him to keep getting her re-evaluated to rule out any over-looking on our part.He nods. And looks at me with those questioning eyes again." So , you dont think that she'll show a retardation or anything , right? Because Dr.SSS told me that she does not have to necessarily suffer", he adds ,looking at me for another dose of re-assurance.
And I gave it. Not bothering to listen to my conscience , I tell him not to worry. I tell him that she will be good. That she can live it with the right kind of timely treatment.
He smiles. The kid is blissfully unaware of the gravity of the conversation ensuing, centering her. I am happy for her ignorance.
We meet the supervisor who thankfully doesn't say anything about the condition but talks to the kid in a friendly way and signs the report.
The kid is hungry and has not had lunch. She nudges at my dupatta and I look down." Innu oota maadilla. Tumba hashvu", she says.And I feel such a strong emotion. I just ruffle her hair and tell her that she can go have her lunch. She is only too happy to get rid of her "new friend" and have lunch. She says a quick bye and her father says a "thank you" that went beyond the formalities of the word. I just smile at him with a re-assuring look and they leave me a lot richer than I was, before they walked in.

I just hope that she goes on to live. That she brightens everyone's life around. That her parents have the courage to bear all the hospital visits . I hope for a guardian angel.

But if names described a person , I have no reason to worry. I smile to myself. My hopes may not be false after all.
For her name , meant immortality.

For , hope is the hatrack I hang my dreams upon.

Destiny's Plans

2007-11-14T18:20:00.000-08:00

You walked into my life coz' you had no option
Maybe destiny wanted it so
But we seemed to take it well in our stride
coz' we never did rue
For now when I look back
At the time we spent together
I just can't imagine
A world without you
You linger in my thoughts
You at times, conquer them
For life imparts true friends to few
But when it does , it does in full measure
Making each day a wonder
And each tomorrow, a vision of hope
I never did have a chance to tell you
What I felt
For fate had its own plans
And I simply chose
To let it be

And now , as we part ways
I felt this sudden urge in me
To tell you
That those li'l meets
Meant so much to me
I never did tell you
I never did show
For I just thought
That you'd someday , know..

And now , as I stand
Under the compassionate sun
Who seems to shine
Not too bright,
The truth dawns on me
That this may not be
Our last meet after all

The world , they say
Is quite small
And we maybe destined
To meet, after all

Coz' life imparts true friends to few
But when it does
You have no chance to rue
Though life imparts true friends
Who are few.

You have a long life , he said..

2007-09-03T09:02:00.000-07:00

Cancer.. a funny word..

While for some , it brings back bitter memories of enduring chemotherapy , radiotherapy and all the hi-fi therapies that ironically seem to worsen the condition and seem to make one feel sicker than he/she actually is , all those days which run into months and in some cases years where the patient undergoes all the trauma which supposedly has the power to bring him back to normal by the end of it all .. memories which leave a bitter and a horrendous taste in your mouth everytime you think of it.. and if you happen to be one of the unlucky ones , the really unlucky ones , you won't even have a decent end , rather even a "thinkable" episode anywhere along.. and you just wish you could erase those pages from your life.. forever so that all you have are memories of what you wanted..

And then , there are the rest.. a handful..but a very powerful lot..and they make a lot of difference.. commonly called the "luckier" ones..they are the ones you want to remember and they are really few , if you really know what "few" is..and these few are the ones who , in a major way , spread hope and sunshine everywhere.. they are the ones , who look back to months and years of struggle too , but with a difference.. and that being , the finish.. they have survived it all , after having battled against all odds!And that makes them , living wonders..

I have witnessed them both..

While one left behind a memory of a struggle as 2 loooong years that seemed to stretch to eternity but seemed like yesterday when it was all over, the other fought like as if it was all there was to it and won!

But I wont be telling either story here.. maybe I am not in a mood for it now..
Blogging on an issue like this in not uncommon..We have all seen such stories , heard of them.. but what happenes when we are at the receiving end? To know you have cancer is challenging enough and knowing you have a few months left to experience it all is a feeling you can never put into words and there isn't anything in particular that you can be verbose about!! And then , you live everyday as if it were your last.. and all those dreams that you have been nurturing seem to be disappointed and you seem to be fading away.. 'coz everyday brings only one dark reminder - that you are left with one day less.. and that isnt a great feeling..

And that is precisely what makes all those who make it so special..I can say that over and over again! Not losing heart and staying strong inspite of all those dreaded therapies being experimented on you, inspite of the experimenters knowing that it may not really do anything except givethem the satisfaction of having tried , is one thing! But to be able to do all this amidst the family who do a poor job at concealing their fears , is another thing!

There are stories where people have braved it as if it was just another miniscule obstacle , laughing at it and making fun of it.. Do they all survive? Or are they in no better position than those who do not take it with valor? What happens to them? How different are they? Is there something that makes them special?

When I recently heard that I lost a distant relative to cancer.. I could barely manage a word..not 'coz it was "cancer"..but because , I had seen him at a family get-together I have blogged here a few months back and he seemed so jovial..so outgoing.. and all this , inspite of him knowing that he had been losing it everyday..

Yes!He knew that he had blood cancer.. he lived with the truth.. very movie-like..but the veracity of it hit me hard.. and I felt an uncontrollable urge to not let the tears seep in to my eyes.. Because, sometimes without even talking much to the person , you seem to know him/her and when the next thing you hear about them , happens to be something of this sort , it leaves a feeling which can never be worded..

He was a fortune-teller claiming that he knew palmistry and when my cousin had the fortune of knowing her fortune from him , I couldn't resist my temptation.. and stretching out my hand infront of someone whom I barely knew to an extent that I could entrust the secret behind my palm-lines , I had asked him very expectantly and with what you'd call safe-badinage," R Uncle.. yen kaii enna sollarede? " (can't really spell it in Tamil , meaning what do my hands say?)He gave an amused look and after looking into my palm very thoughtfully , went on to tell me that I would enjoy a loong life and all.. I had even laughed away saying that everyone tells me that.. He only smiled and said " Doesn't matter what everyone tells you.. the doctor has to tell you that and you need to feel that..and the job is done!you'll live on to see everything.."

I never really thought much about the gravity of the statement.. until the day , I heard the news.. and now , when I think of him hovering about in all those family occassions spreading mirth everywhere , I try hard to recollect having seen any pain in them.. they sparkled at every self-made joke and deceived themselves.. If only I had known him better..

Had he read his own palm? Had he known what was to become of his life-line?

How many people do we take for granted every single day? How many of them touch our lives in a special way? How many will stay on and how many will depart.. these are questions that haunted me.. more so , coz the answers were scary..

He left behind 2 lovely kids.. and an even lovelier wife , who had it in her, to face all this and come out strong..

He is no more.. but the spirit he showed will go on to live forever.. teaching me to take each day as if it were the last..

Just 15 rupees....

2007-08-24T08:16:00.000-07:00

" Akka , I have not had food since 3 days.. please buy the hankies akka.. 3 for 20 rupees.. even my sister has not eaten anything akka.."

This is probably what we , the privileged ones , get to hear on every trip to the market.. it could be any of those major roads which are characterized by the posh crowd who are all clad in stylish outfits which ofcourse have myriad names (too loong a list to be penned down and it would hardly make any difference penning them down here), all of those poshness reflected in the way they walk ,talk and throw all of those frito-packs around as if they expect it to vanish all by itself leaving the place as it was , all those young - couples chatting away in total romantic bliss as if they just couldn't feel the presence of a third person in each other's presence , all those teens catching a glimpse of the latest in-thing to shop and making a mental note to save the pocket-money at any cost and get that Fendi bag or add another of Versace to their collection.. all of those kids who are al-eyes for Gameboy and trying desperately to bring their parent's attention to the same and somehow get to convince them that Gameboy is just not all about wasting money to ruin acads and who draw inspiration from all those prof-gamers.. and ofcourse all of those elderly couples who go "tche tche" looking at all this , recollecting their good ol' days when these roads were so much more pleasant n calm and how theyused to spend quality time..

ooooh.. I could go on and on..You gotta see it all to truly comprehend the beauty of it..

Well , without stretching the intro too much..let me tell you what I witnessed on one such trip to a pretty well-known road here ..

Well , Ms.G and I had to buy some items for our clinics and well , we chose a few places where we would find them.. After literally eating every shopkeeper's head and bargaining like typical "ladies"(though , I wonder if it is lady-like to bargain), we finally managed to have our hands full of items and as we made our way through the not-unusually crowded street , we realized that we suddenly felt very hungry..
Knowing that a CCD joint was hardly a 5 min walk away and considering it very much worth-the-walk , we trotted , me, she and the bags..

okie.. Now the walk is where the "event" happened..
Well , I was all eager to reach CCD what with hunger n thirst gnawing at me and this li'l boy comes up to me and says..
"akka , akka, please buy this pen.. it is only 15 rupees.. I have not eaten for 3 days akka..please akka.."

Me ( feeling really empathetic and not knowing what to do) : noooo..here take this 5 rupees.. I don't want the pen..

He( looking as desperate as if he has just realized that he has to go on like this for another 3 days): please akka..the pen has a light also..see.. (tries desperately to make me feel as if the pern is all magic)

Me(too overcome by emotion): alright , I'll give you 10 rupees..but I don't want the pen..

He:please akka..take the pen..I'll be happy..just another 5 rupees..

Me(having no way out): okie..I'll buy the pen .. Go buy yourself some food..Here(handing out 15 rupees)..

Okie , he leaves 15 rupees richer and I leave a lot richer than him for having given atleast one meal and well!I have a pen too!

Ms.Gslowly tells me that a fortnight back , she bought erasers from another li'l boy who had said almost similar things and how happy she had felt for having done so....

Hmmmm.. Destination:CCD reached! We both choose the seat that overlooks the road andafter ordering , both of us are silent.
Ms.G suddenly asks me , "Piyu , why do you think that boy did not want 10 rupees but insisted you to buy that pen at any cost?"

I look at her.. smart question..Well , I knew one thing..It wasn't the boy's greed for 15 rupees..else , he would have happily agreed to 10 rupees and gone off to find a wiser customer..
I said," well , they have their self-respect too , G. And I don't think the ego in him let him accept the money just like that.Maybe he wanted to do business without any of these favours."

Ms.G looked at me , still unconvinced..
I ask her." well , why do YOU think he did it?"
Ms.G , " You know , I was wondering if there was a chief or someone who controls these boys.. who gives them x pens and asks them to sell them off by night for daily wages.."

Hmmmm..wel , the reason seemed sound..but that still did not explain why hedid not want 10 rupees.. I mean , he could have accepted 10 rupees and gone off to find another customer..
Hot chocolate fudge arrived. After enjoying the very-seldom-appreciated-privilege , we left(after paying , ofcourse)..
Just as I stepped out of CCD , I saw the same boy who had sold the pen to me , trying to convince another very-extravagantly-dressed couple..and then , suddenly , the guy started shoving the boy away and when the boy still did not budge, they started running away from the boy , laughing and making it all seem a funny escapade , which I think would go into their blogs(if they have them) as "my funniest escapade" or something..

Finally , the boy went off in another direction trying to find another customer who'd be kind enough to buy a pen..

Ms.G had been watching all this too.. We both looked at each other and let out a sigh which said it all..

Name matters?!?!

2007-08-21T07:36:00.000-07:00

Well , don't expect me to give you an answer in the first line. Am this typical selfish blogger who wants the poor readers ( if any )
to read every single word here and undergo the horrendous torture and come out with the writer's viewpoint towards the end of the article , without cursing the writer , thus making it all a divine miracle!!

Now.. Am not referring to any noun in particular , but let us start off with places..
The recent debate has been more of an endless controversy with the editorials tallking about it and again talking of it , with the people writing letters to the editor about the same expressing their views and with the schools chuckling in glee for having had another topic for a debate competition as if we were short of them at any point..

Okie!No more beating around the bush (that sounds so cliche-d ut am too lazy to think of something else to say)I am referring to Begaluru , Mysooru and all of their brothers and sisters who seem to have had a re-naming ceremony!!

And when I read the newspaper yesterday morn about the same ,I was more like -"will they ever learn?"
Okie..We are Indians and apparently we have had our very own names before.. and then as history tells us , the British brought with them all of their colonialism and imperialism(which still happens to be a major lesson in school-history text books!) and thus established themselves as our rulers..Now poor they! Never having had the tongue-for-it and not being able to use the whip in this case , they had to search for an alternative when they had to pronounce the names of those cities , which still probably are challenging tongue-twisters for them!!
Thus , was born Bangalore (from benda kalooru) , Trivandrum ( from Tiruvanathapuram) , Mysore ( from the great Mahishasura), Madras (for Chennai!Now this is really contrastive coz' Madras in no way resembles Chennai..but apparently , Madras was more Portuguese..hmmmff!)and so the list goes on..
Now my friends who are into speech-language analysis , may actually wonder of the phonological processes involved.. But lemme not comment on it more ,for fear of shooing away the "more-normal" people and continue with what I had been saying..

Okie..names changed.. and to cut the looooong story short , freedom was gained!But apparently many things of pre-independence era lived along with us..
Many positive aspects and negative ones too!And fortunately or unfortunately , the new names lived along too....
Gone are a good number of years and what do we see? A flurry of activity to revert the names back to what they were!

Cabinet meets..more cabinet meets..newspaper headlines ..editorials..more meets.. more bills passed..more editorials.. debates.. junta's views.. more headlines..and after a wait that seemed to stretch to eternity , what do we see?
We have the good old names back!With each city getting back its own old name..

Okie.. So , we have appeased our ego and have successfully spent God-knows-what-amount-of-time just to show them that we are no longer going to have anything that is theirs..
Aaaah! Now the truly-swadesi-no-videsi-maal people are all beaming with pride for having won the battle!
I guess ,in a patriotic nation where every run scored during a cricket match makes the entire nation euphoric , this is a huge victory..

And I was left wondering..
Plight of the oppressed in the society.. illiteracy.. okie..am not going to list them all here..but you know where I am heading to..
and I think of all the effort that went into re-naming.. all the bills passed..all the headlines.. all the editorials..all the reviews..n blah!

The post doesn't intend to demean anybody's feelings..or make fun of the move..
But then , proritizing has always been important.. and much as I feel proud to have my-very own nation's heritage restored , even if it is in the form of names , the plethora of issues that probably needed immediate attention and effort makes it seem not-so-significant..

And I know I have to watch over my speech.. coz' you see , I still am a fan of Macaulay's education system not having had any experience with Gurukuls....

What is this life ....

2007-08-19T08:56:00.000-07:00

Well , I am unsure if this line rings a bell in any of your minds , but to me , it still is one of the most enchanting poems since std 4..
Well , I dont remember the entire poem to be honest , but there were 4 mines which really struck a chord and there is this insatiable urge to pen them down here , thanks to a very dear friend of mine who asked me to interpret the same and greater still! asked me to post it here..
Let me first quote the lines , in no particular order ,going by the original poem ..With all due admiration to Davies , ofcourse..

What is this life , full of care
We have no time to stand and stare

and somewhere midway , 2 more lines..

No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich the smile her eyes began..

There is certainly something about these lines and within them , that make them so beautiful..

Life is such an all-encompassing term.. everything right from the pristine brook that runs down a valley to an ant colony that survives in the same valley , unaware of what would happen if the brook changes course , the star-studded sky ( one of my favourites) which draws you and you are left totally in awe of everything there is all-around you making you soooo very insignificant and miniscule that you'd begin to wonder and mull over your very existence and the role you play.. the glorious sunset which inspite of being an everyday wonder still has that aura surrounding it that makes you go up your terrace atleast once-in-a-blue moon , a weaver-bird's nest that still makes you shout in glee the minute you see it on one of your treks , a waterfall that still tops your list of picnic spots.. and the list goes on.. Be it a lily that makes you feel so-pure just looking at it or a bee busy with its activities thus earnng itself the apt title , busy-bee , life sure offers us with splendid delights and pleonasm for once , seems so inevitable!!
Life is a homogenous mixture of events and their causes..

Now , if the reader is wondering why on earth , man hasn't featured in the above list where certain other "insignificant" events have found a place , relax!I am just coming to that...

Let me start off with the cliched " Man is the most intelligent animal " and blah .. Ofcourse , hehas the power to do a lot many things that the other animals aren't endowed with.. You and me are blessed with intelligence ( atleast I'd like to hope so) and we have our own lives..
But what do I mean by "my life" and "your life" ?
Well , very simply put , "my life" revolves around people I know , events that affect me and a lot of aspects of nature..
And "your life" is prettymuch the same too , except that it involves different people , events and so on..
The course of events that has made us what we are is different and rightfully so ,we are different..

But when you take a step backward and view your life , lo! You can see a story..a beautiful one.. thaks to each and everyone and events that have been a part of it and have gone into its making
..maybe they are different but the commonality being , they have given you , your today!

Okie.. Now your life is what you work for..you dream about..you toil for and wake up to realize someday..the same life which you are constantly polishing in an attempt to make it shine..

Just step back again..And look at your story.. Imagine the story without you.. Would your story be the same without you?What would it be like without you?
Once in an outsider's shoe , you'll realize that the story will go on.. without you..with changing events and characters..

And what you be without your story?
You would ofcourse be what you are or probably someone else.. But without a story of your own , you are absent.. Without a story of my own , I am absent..
It is more like , I was given a canvas ( a plain one) and I chose not to paint on it..
I am here and still not here.. Why?
Because I care? For what? For what someone else would think of me? My image n blah? About how the already existing events are affected? Do I fear a change?

Life is a miracle.. a cliche.. probably a worn-out one.. But how many of us truly see the miracle in it? We are all cluttered with loads of things on our itinary.. HOw many times do we pause to see the world? To see if our life is the way we wanted it to be? To stand and admire the way we are guiding ourselves..to admire the last stroke of the brush on the canvas..
One gets lost in the mechanical way of life..One forgets that the treasure to one's happiness is in one's own pocket..and that every move you make is of your own accord..
There is no such thing as mine , yours , theirs..we are all interconnected..all of us playing a role in this movie..
It's like this..

I just get tired playing a role ..and lie back to see what the rest are doing.. I enjoy the story as it unfolds.. and then , I get tired of seeing the way the things are going..And I just jump in to play my role again.. only to make a change..
What caused the change? My introspection? My ability to stand and stare at what is happening and deciding for myself whether I am right or wrong? just or unjust?

All I know is that I am someone in the movie of life and that the movie will go on even if I am not there.. I might as well , stand back,watch and do my bit in makng the story beautiful.. which is precisely what you will do too.. seems so much better than just rushing up with things and going where the stride takes you..

And well , if you are tired of being in this make-believe world..take a stroll outside,, only to stand and stare at the start studded sky , water bodies in all their glory..the sunrise..the sunset..and all the miracles of nature that stand tall against the miracle called life....

m bck!!

2007-08-17T08:44:00.000-07:00

Aaaah! The looong latency again.. looks like I am down with the much dreaded laziness-fever again! So lazy that , had I wished, I could have just taxed my grey-cells (Ofcourse , I have them!) and come out with a more creative diagnosis that would have ensured the deserved-readership..

Anyways..I really don't know what I should be writing about here..'cause all I know is that I need to desperately post something.. coz' the blog is surely suffering ( as if anyone cares , you say? But I do!!) and so here I am still fishing for a topic and still hoping that a post would suddenly pop-up all of a sudden and the number moves up to 17!!

Well..as I think of something to post , let us consider this..I must admit that I am not really tech-savvy and I just can manage to switch-on the computer and thanks to Gates for his Windows ( I am positive it isn't doors!)I can manage to carry on with the basic operations and by God's Grace , I can even manage a blog which is pretty-techie by my standards(Well , I am overdoing it , but that's what is making you read it!) ..well , add to it the techie language.. what do they call it? lingo!yes!! sms lingo!!!!And to think how sheepish I have felt when everyone uses a lingo of their own and I am still left at the mercy of the dictionary..Well , the one in the cell , what did you think?

An sms I received quite sometime back when I was quite new to my cell .." Sopes..howz u watchup...."
eh? Now what on earth was Sopes? It surely couldn't be my name..I was sure of that..and well , considering the sender to be a good friend of mine , she couldn't have messed up with my name..
maybe the next few words would tell me something more.. " howz u watchup"..hmmmm..after having managed to break it up , I proudly looked down again..
Pretty innovative , I thougt..We usually ask "How are you?"But this wise girl knew that "you" is singular and had rightly used "is" , so what if she used it with some "jazz" ;)
Now "watchup"..phew! It surely cant be the brand of a ketchup..not at all! and it would not go in context.. hmmmm.. well , under normal circumstances , I'd have probably literaaly "looked up" , but I knew that it meant more..
Well , I did decipher it with quite some difficulty , though!
Well , there is "wazzup" too.. sounds very ummmm ..I dont know..

Consider this : " hy prc t 8 tmw pls b dr u n **** r nly hp dnt 4gt l w8 4 u"
The "*" stand for my friend's name and well , though it wasn't spelt completely , let me abstain from typing it.. Ofcourse , I did not understand it..and well , when I asked the person for a clarification..I got the same message..and I had to make a call to confirm what it was.. else , I would have missed the practice at 8 where **** and I were the only hope!! phew!

Short messaging!! And there is nothing more irritating than that at times!!
Aw! Am sure you can try and make the content look more like "words" and save time rather than retyping n forwarding the same message again and again and worse still! make the recipient call you!
And add to it , the lack of punctuation! My God! There hasn't been anything more challenging than trying to break up messages into parts that make sense.. uffff..atleast a little more space between 2 different sentences!!

Oke..I guess it happens only with me.. Coz' I don't see many complaining.. hmmmm.Maybe am not that creative enough..
But carrying the new lexicon with you to the exam hall and giving the examiner creeps the minute he looks at your answer sheet?
I cant imagine what'd happen if students start writing their names using this lingo? Far-fetched , I know..But then , with miracles seeming more n more perfunctory , one can never say ,right?

I will probably post a list of these sms' and the "wonderful" lingo that went into their making!But it will have to wait..
m vry hngry n proly l 8 smdng b4 i cm bk sopes ..tl dn tc n hv fn
....

All Addy needed was..

2007-07-16T22:17:00.000-07:00

Funny word this.. education..

is it not the same word that is the topic of most of the debates? the very same which people fight for.. the very same word which people quote to flaunt their supposedly highbrow stature? the very same that people state to indicate that that's what makes them different? the very same , that makes students take up "n" number of entrance exams.. the very same which is a dream for millions..the very same which doesn't have a boundary?

the very same that...and the list is endless..

"What is your son doing?" asked Vimala.. "Oh! He just finished his B.Tech and is now getting into MIT..We are so proud of him.. " , beamed Kamala who seemed to feel as if it was her trip abroad and she was the student.. Ofcourse she had every right to feel so ..

"Wow!That is some news Kammu .. Is he getting a scholarship too?"

"No Vimmy.. They said they would not fund him for the fisrt term.. and even the second term is a doubt..but getting into such an institute is commendable enough.. and we don't want to say no.. After all , he will earn once he is done with his studies.. We have left everything in God's hands.. " sighed Kammu..

This is not a very unusual conversation..probably we have heard it far too often to even appreciate the depth of it..

But sample it against this conversation I recently had with a mother.. a mother of an 8 or 9 yr old..

Before I present the conversation , I must give you a backdrop of whom I am referring to..

well , lets call him Addy.Atleast that is what I still call him..
a bubbly guy..not too bubbly..but you can still move a pin here and there and hear tiny bursts..How did I meet Addy? Even I don't remember very clearly..my friend Mr.A was his therapist and I vaguely remember him bringing Addy to my room just to improve his "socialization" skills..That was our first meet..and then , Addy's mom and I got pretty close and well , she started coming to me with li'l things that Addy accomplished after days of hard work..and all her li'l woes..
He has been diagnosed as having having one of those conditions which one can ,in a very sophisticated manner , refer to as apraxia. Well , just to get familiar with what it means , let us just say that it is a condition where the person cannot perform a task when he is asked to.. as in , he may be able to lick a drop of honey from a plate but cannot put his tongue out when you ask him to.
Well , apparently this child has certain other problems too..like , not being able to follow all the pragmatics n stuf which the supposed to be "normals" find "normal"..

Anyways , not getting into too much personal info for reasons of privacy , this is what ensued between me and Addy's mother the other day..
Me( all surprised to see Addy after a long time! and smiling?!):Hey Addy , how you sir? Had lunch?(of course , it was past lunch time adn I was sure he must have had his lunch , but just started a conversation!)

Addy( comes upto me and what do I see? He has a flower in his hand which I know he must have plucked from our garden ..not an impossible task , considering we don't have the devilish-malis who shoo away kids)
He just gave the flower to me ( man! you know how to impress girls already , is wat Imutter to myself with a naughty smile!)
Me: Thanks Addy..oota aytha(had lunch?)
And then , Addy's mom joins us..
Addy's mom: Hi..chennagidhira?(kan= Are you doing well?) After my nod , she goes on.." Addy , what did akka ask you? Dd you have lunch?

Addy(after a few seconds): ummm..aaaaythu( very much understandable , but misarticulated to a trained ear)
Me: Gooood! So , what did you have?

Addy(looks at mother who nudges him to answer): aaati
Mom: chappati..say chappati Addy..

Me: Oh! Chappati ..I had chappatis too! How many did you have? (Now you may wonder , why on earth was I behind his chappatis!?!)
Addy: ....mm....(looks here and there) eedu
Me: eradu?(2) Oh..naanu 2 chappati thinde(even I had 2 chappatis)

By now , Addy's mom just cant wait to end this conversation..I can see that she has something to tell me..So I just move nearer and ask her what is troubling her..

She:You know? I have been trying to put Addy to a school where he can really learn something..but I am having lots of problems..

Me: But he is going to a school meant for " normal" kids right?

She: Ya..but am not happy with the school..I tried for "X" but the principal there was so rude that she did not let me complete my sentence the minute she saw Addy's certificate..she said it is going to harm other children and that Addy will be responsible for it.. she ask me to try a school for mentally retarded..But P , Addy isn't mentally retartded!! I tried telling her that..she refuses to listen..

Me:(quite shocked that the Principal of "X" could have said it!)
Did you try any other school?

She: Well , I just tried the school for "special" children but I am not very happy with them either.. After all , I know Addy is at a higher level and special schools usually are for other kids , you know..I am really worried..

Me( Honestly , not knowing what to say..): Let me just take a look at his file and get back to you.. I have forgotten his scores and all.. Maybe we can talk to the supervisor and see how it works out..
Dont be disheartened..Things will be fine..We surely have more schools..we just need to search a bit..will get back to you..

She: Please do let me know as soon as possible.. will leave now..

I take one loong look at her and a longer one at Addy..
He was happily chasing a butterfly..and had 3 more flowers in hishand..I called him and waved at him..He smiled and waved back..That was it..and he was one amongst us all.. another kid who needed to be understood..who had to be given a sense of belonging..
he needed a school..a school that accepted him for what he was and understood that he was one among us too..he wanted friends too..he wanted comanionship too..he wanted to play the same pranks too.. So what , if he could not do a few of the stuff great? He could do a lot of them just super!he wanted appreciation ..he wanted support..love and understanding..

All that Addy needed was.. a childhood..

All for a mere door?

2007-06-22T07:03:00.000-07:00

What's happening?
Atleast that is what I thought when I saw this huge crowd right infront of my house.. not really huge actually..but then , there were quite a lot of people and it has never been that way since we lost a very dear neighbour who was like our very own thatha..

Now , " what's happening?" is not a very uncommon question.. not when you are out , riding.. You see a crowd here and there , be it for the latest discount sale that has popped up all of a sudden , a road traffic accident or some miniscule verbal duel which has been blown out of proportions , thanks to the ever-creative public who manage to keep things interesting even on their way to the office..It could even be the lawyers thrashing up some poor little chap ( like they showed on TV , remember?) just because he decided to use his fundamental rights which seems to have been considered only a rich man's privilege and a poor man's dream..

Gone are those days , when you could state the option of an obedient monkey's tricks or even a bear's dance and they seem to have suddenly realized that they should not be really listening to humans or maybe thehumans no longer find them interesting.. nobody has the time.. and I can even see the reader smirk at the very thought of finding animals' antics interesting..

What manages to pull a crowd? well , obviously something that the crowd finds to be interesting.. but what does the crowd find interesting? Anything and everything that they are not a part of , especially when the happenings are not so very favourable.. and am not talking of people who do it all for the sake of PR..

Anyways . as I approached our gate.. I was kinda panicky to see a crowd.. My first thought was to imagine that something untowardly had happened..
Well ,I very slowly manouvred the vehicle towards our gate ,trying to pretend that I was not interested in what was happening , though I was obviously..
I suddenly reminded myself, that the crowd was infront of the house of a very stern and not-so-friendly-at-all neighbour as perceived by the neighbourhood community , which is not true if you ask my experiences with them , though honestly speaking , they are the rough-types whom you wouldn't want to meddle with , not even for a million dollars!

Oh! must have been some small verbal duel , which thanks to the owner's ever-strong vocal cords must have invited the adjoining roads' participation , I thought and parked my vehicle..
I was surprised to see my ma outside , watching what was happening.. Oh Oh! Since when did Ma become interested in these petty issues?
Just like in another of the earlier posts , let me post this conversation..

I very nonchalantly asked her.. " so , another fight , eh?"
Ma : Oh not another fight.. well , the owner's son , Mr.M was coming in his Qualis and as he approached his home , he took a left and the bike that was coming right behind him was hit .Nobody was hurt but..

I ( not amused by it and relieved that no one was hurt , I cast one of my feed-me-am-damn-hungry looks)

Ma: You know , M's father is claiming the charges for the damaged door of his qualis.. M did not give even the slightest indication and well , this poor chap , paavum(love the way she says it) , he was just coming behind him ..what is his fault?

I: Ma , you know them.. They would adopt any alternative to prove that they are right.. ( pretty surprised that I lacked a firm opinion , maybe the day had drained me of my energy and was longing for something to stuff into my mouth)

Ma: But Piyu , it was not his fault.. ( Oh.. ma can be so very persistent.. could she not see that I was hungry?)

I: mmmm.. I know the poor chap will pay up for sure.. It is better that way.. ( I hated myself for saying it , but it was the truth)

Ma: No..he must not.. but I think you are right.. No point talking over this.. anyways.. freshen up and come.. you must be hungry..

I ( atlast!) sighed and rushed into my room..

After freshening up and satisfyng myself with 3 dosas , I just stepped out of our balcony to see what was going on and whether the crowd was still there..

Well , I saw that the crowd has lessened and thanks to Mr.M's constant shooing away of passers-by, not many were left behind..
I saw the boy and his fallen bike ( which nobody had bothered to pick but seemed to amuse themselves by trying to get in as much info. as possible)..
Shameless people , I thought! I don't expect them to stop and try talking things out.. atleast pick up the fallen bike! stopping to watch the fun and do nothing about it?
Maybe , I was now in a better and energised state to actually think.. hunger! what it does to you!

Now all of a sudden , Mr.Mgave a tight slap to the poor boy(the one whose bike had hit the qualis)What?? How on earth ,could he?
I was not there when the accident happened.. And I'll probably never ever comment on who was right.. But this was just too much.I mean , the boy was not a small one to be slapped and told about the right thing to do ( we aren't suppsed to slap even small boys , fyi)
What was the worst part?
The boy who received the slap did not say a thing. He stood there ..mum.. And my neighbour went on saying something about the damaged door and how he is gonna suffer because of it( poor guy!He is a millionaire and fears expenditure) about how , it would cost him a lot..( as if he had to go about repairing the doors of all the Qualis in the world!)and on and on....

Fed up..and all the more frustrated coz' the boy just did not say anything , I retreated to my room..

Phew! I guess , I was just another spectator who did nothing.. nothing at all to blog about..But why did I post this?
Just so that I have something to remind me of the ways of the world ,so that I am not surprised when I actually become a victim to one such incident..
What happened to the biker? Maybe he paid up..He must have, else he would not have been let off..
Did he do the right thing by paying up? Maybe he did..maybe not..
But there were a lot of things that were not right.. and the slap topped them all!

This or that?

2007-06-17T10:10:00.000-07:00

Now this feels good!
After being away for what felt like eternity , I am back(nuch to the dismay of others , did you say?!) And I so very much missed doing what I truly enjoy .. sharing my thoughts , ofcourse!

I am not sure about what I would wite here in this post.. My mind is very similar to Pandora's Box ,by which I am referring to the multitude of thoughts that seem to be seeping in every minute..

Like the other day , I had been shopping and I was searching for a gift for my nephew.. He is a very very talkative 2 yrs young( I would rather call him that) and every gift seemed so common and nothing seemed to convince me that it would be the right choice..

And there I landed! In another of those this or that dilemnas.. only that neither this nor that seemed to appease me..

The shopkeeper went on showing me the soft toys ,all those spongy teddies ( which I used to detest as a kid and still fail to see the fun them ) , all those water and toy guns (which I would have loved to have as a kid but unfortunately did not have , thanks to my parents who thought that I'd do better with "safer stuff" which I did not touch) , all of those building blocks which I liked to an extent more so because of the array of colours it would gift my tongue with , which I would flaunt off in front of my other lil friends who seemed to have them too , but I would win most of the time) , clay ( still one of those that fascinate me coz' of their ability to be guided by the hand that holds them , all those funny shapes they can be drawn to and let your imagination run wild to claim thatyou have moulded a masterpiece), rattles( was the shopkeeper nuts? I asked for a 2 yr old , not a 2 month old kid for heaven's sake!)....
and the list was endless.. I thought I would take a look around the mall myself.. and voila! there was a section for babies which had so many items and I was amazed to see the collection which was anything but interesting.. amazed that even this large a collection of what seemed to be every kid's needs did not satisfy me..
Baby clothes , bottles( not a gift item ofcourse) , toys , toys , and toys again.. diapers(!!it was a section for them ,remember?), cradles ( ofcourse) , toys again.. hmmph!

this would not do.. There had to be something that would fascinate my dear nephew..
what would Il ike as a 2yr kid?
I knew it.. nothing from this section..

I walked out of the mall and tried to see if I could get something..

What caught my eye was a little boy trying to sell these radium stickers that you paste on the ceiling , the kinds that glow in the dark and give the appearance of a night-sky or even just cartoons that glow in the dark..
That had to be it!
I bought a couple of packs that had a moon , stars and all of those.. I paid the boy his money and feeling overtly happy with the choice I made , I let him have the change..

As I walked back home , I thought.. what on earth prompted me to make a choice like this one? Why did I chose "this" over "that" or vice versa? Had I been hasty? Maybe I should have gone for the train.. even winnie may have been better..
Maybe I was being too selfish and assumed too much..and that me putting myself in the kid's place was an unwise action..
The sky sure fascinated me as a kid , and even does today..and that obviously had guided my actions..but the gift wasn't for me..

Anyways , I reached home.. and well , after justifying my choice to what seemed like a confused family who had pretty big toys wrapped up , we left for the party..

There was the birthday boy , all decked up and standing behind a pile of presents with those huge adorable eyes wanting for more so that he'd be hidden behind them all.. and for once , greed seemed so beautiful and innocent..
He came running upto us asking us what we had got for him..
As everyone gave him packs bigger than mine ( what an awful way to put it , but that was how I felt :() , I held out ,what seemed to be unusually flat for a present and hoping that he would like what his "chithi" had got for him..

His mom welcomed us all and asked him to be a good boy and put away his presents to see them later..
we had a blast at the party ( b'day partiesof lil ones are truly fun , and you gotta experience them to know them)
We returned and I forgot all about the gift..

The next day morn Abhay ( my nephew) called me and said " chithi , I got stars you gave ,on my wall.. you know , they shine when ma switches off the lights.. papa stuck them all over.. "
I could sense the excitement in his voice.. and I couldn't help recollecting those "mum-mums" (as ma called it for food)I used to have , looking up at the sky during nights ,so totally fascinated and overawed that made Ma's nights for having fed me 2 extra mouthfuls without even having to tolerate any of my tantrums as she puts it..
and I asked Abhay who seemed to have said so much with me having made the exit ....

and it was ....!!!!

2007-05-31T11:53:00.000-07:00

I have become lazy. And I wish I could type that endlessly but my laziness would never even let me attempt it. And I for one , will not.
Inspite of being out of my home during the whole day , I manage to be alone..
Realizing and truly agreeing with Wordsworth's bliss of solitude ( sans daffodils! I still love that poem of his.. muwahah!)I stare vacantly into space , through people , through the TV screen mulling over issues which I would like to refer to as "Mind -exercises";)
Visions , as I call them , take me to a world of my own and I find myself being jolted out of my seat by my bro' in an attempt to draw my attention. Or Ma calling out to me from the kitchen a dozen times and then realizing that it is me after all , and so walking up to my room to get me out of my so-called pensive moods.My Pa seems to have found sleeping beauty at home ( As long as the beauty is used , I would not mind!;))

It was a very strange vision I had quite recently which left an ineffable feeling in me.. And something that I have never ever experienced before, prompted me to put it up here.

I was lying on my bed the night before the last , when I felt a cool breeze ; the kinds , which make you want to dance and ponder on all those little joys in life , bringing back all of those pleasant memories and all..
I went upto my window and still feeling dazed ( for reasons unknown!) looked outside it.
I could see a girl playing happily in the rain. There was something about her that made me want to catch a glimpse of her face.. But try as much as I could , I just could not see her face. It seemed as if I could hear her laughter.There was something familiar.
She seemed to spread joy. She brought out a skipping rope and started skipping.. Soon little kids gathered around her.. Everyone wanted to have the skipping rope.. The girl was only too happy to lend.. Dancing merrily as every child took his turn with the skipping rope , she seemed to spread cheer. Who was she? I tried to look harder , but nope! I could not see her face..
Feeling frustrated , I started seeing the other kids and felt lighthearted.. Suddenly , the kids seem to disperse.. But the girl continued her dance.. It seemed as if she could go on endlessly.. She was smiling , I am sure though I could not see it.. There was something about her..

And the next moment , she was no longer there. She was run down by a truck! She was lying on the road , her skipping rope next to her. Miraculously , there was not a drop of blood to be seen.. I tried to see her face.. I wanted to reach out to her , but I just could not move..I wanted to go out and help her but my feet refused to even make the slightest movement..

" Piyu.. PIYU! " I suddenly turn around.. " huh?"
It is Ma.
"What have you been thinking? I called out so many times.. Here drink this milk and go to bed.. We have to go to the freshers tomo morn at 8:30"
I take the glass from her and gulp it all down.. I wish her a good night and decide to go to bed. But , my inquisitivess does not let me do that and I find myself looking out of the window.
I stare outside , this time , fully determined to see who it is.Yes! She is still there. Lying on the road..

There is a flash of lightning and I find myself staring into my own face.

Feeling helpless even when I wasn't....and she was..

2007-05-28T10:49:00.000-07:00

Travels , they say , make you an ounce smarter than you were before you undertook that journey.. much much smarter than the books..
I have personally felt so too, with the limited travels I have had and most of the time going with the adage more out of the not-so-common sense..

But as like ever ,you gotta experience something that you can call your own and that which further testifies the adage that did not seem sooo trendy minutes ago..

Without going into much of these circumlocutions and shooing you away from reading what I have found to be one of the most unforgettable lessons I have learnt , let me make a beginning..

Quite recently , I got an oppurtunity to travel by bus. No volovos or Airavatas , but a pretty seedha saadha one and the ones that are not rickety or posh but still make you get the feel of actually travelling in a good ol' bus. Also , I took the advice of a dear friend about making use of public transport and the fun in it and whoosh! We were there in the bus! 5 of us.. My ma , aunt , two brothers and me!

Like always , I fought for the window seat [ much to the anguish and embarassment of my mother for having a daughter who never seems to get out of her childishness!! But how would she know the fun I derive?! :)]

So , I got busy, looking out of the window ,viewing the beautiful landscape of which I was no mere picture but a to-be shaper, taking in all of the fresh air ( supposedly) and feeling jealous of the women on the field who seemed to have so much fun in an activity that seemed so deceivingly simple ,making me wish that I was a farmer too.. My garrulous brothers went on non-stop with their talk on robots and technical crap , gesticulating and viguorously nodding their heads everytime something "exciting" cropped up.. My mind was unnaturally ubiquitous.. I was busy contrasting our life with the kind of life the women on the field led.. How nice , it is to be born in such families! I mean , there is none of those hypertension gifting , diabetes rendering or for that matter any of those royal disease-rendering worries.. They lead a simple life.. most importantly , they live it.
As I was immersed in the multitude of thoughts , the bus halted.
A young couple , not from a very high economic strata ( I am not sure if that is the way I must be referring to) got into the bus with a kid who was probably around 2yrs.
Well , the seat right in front of mine was empty and they sat there.
Not paying much attention , I again delved into what I was thinking..

I was brought out of my thoughts by small cries because of which malaise seemed to descend on the bus..Ofcourse! The cries from the woman in the front seat.Knowing completely well that I was not to interfere or eavesdrop , I still let myself to take a peek into what was happening and if anything was wrong ( How could I sit still?)

What I witnessed threw me off my seat! I was shocked and felt my mouth go dry..
The so-called husband ( I am doing a favour by referring to him like that!) was totally bleary eyed ,red-eyed actually smelling of liquor.. He presented the perfect picture of what-alcohol-does-to-you. But that was not it. He was grabbing the pallu of his wife's saree , apparently searching the corner of the pallu for something , desperately wanting it , pinching her on the arm and using filthy language which must have been really bad coz' I did not seem to comprehend it.
And here was she , all of her hapless self , trying frantically to pullherself from the clutches of a man who had once promised to love her unconditionally and stand by her. A man , for whom she had left her all and come with hopes only to be betrayed. The very same man , who seemed to derive a sort of pleasure , so ineffable that you would want to rip him apart to know why.
I soon learned that the root cause for it all was the devil , popularly called "money"! She kept saying that it was her father's and that she would not give it to him at any cost and that he must not pester her to. But his immutable attitude did not make him even listen to a word of hers.
Now , the reader must pause to wonder what the others in the bus were doing when an act as barbaric as this one was going on.

Everyone in the bus were busy trying to catch in on what was happening and muttering to their partners. Some were apparently having fun and seemed to be thankful that there was something interesting and enjoyable in what would have otherwise been another of those insipid bus-rides.

I was frustrated. Too overcome with anger which seemed to be borne out of helplessnes. What was I to do? I told my mother that I would right away pull away that so-called husband of hers ( the drunkard) from the hapless woman. My ma told me that it was not the way things were done. That it was their life and that it would not be rigt to interfere.Maybe she was worried about me and the aftermath of my actions. Maybe she doubted if I could ever get that man to change his attitude or maybe 'coz she knew the truth.

Well , just as I was gonna dig a hole in my seat out of anger, the conductor came upto the couple , much to my joy. He reprimanded the drunkard ( am doing him a favour by calling him just that!).Since they had not purchased a ticket ( the conductor must have been chatting away with the driver) he asked them where they were wished to go to. The woman mentioned the place and gave 2 crumpled notes which she took out with utmost care from the pallu in which she had tied carefully. She added that she would not pay for the drunkard's ticket 'cause he had followed her for the money and that she did not want him there.
Man! I was bowled over! What a woman! A small act.. Bt here she was , not so helpless after all , I thought and silently clapped for her in glee..

The conductor cursed the man threatening to throw him away from the bus if he troubled her again and very surprisingly did not pester her for money for the ticket.

Now , the drunkard fell silent for sometime and got back to his tricks again. I could not stand it. Before I could realize what was happening , I found myself standing , shouting at the man. What I said I did not realize for a long time until my mother told me. But I realized I must have been loud , when I saw a few people from the backseat come over to see what was happening. And suddenly , everyone seemed to be shouting at the drunkard. The drunkard cast a I-will-get-you-you-stupid-woman kinda looks at me which did not seem to bother me. Infact , I was hoping he would retort so that I could get another chance to fight him and satisfy myself.
But that was not to be. The drunkard just fell silent and the with another of those conductor's looks and " Do what you want at home , not here" quotes , he shut his mouth.

Was dumbfounded! Why on earth did the conductor tell him to do as he wished in his house? Just to ward off the present trouble?

Funny , are the ways of the world.
The man got off at the next stop. The woman stayed behind with the kid.
She got down with us at the next stop. As she made her waythrough the bus and out of it , I wanted to call out to her. I wanted to tell her that I appreciated her for the courage she showed. I wanted to tell her to be strong till the end. But nope! She just got down and before I could get down and atleast give her a smile she was walking away....

Life , is not always the way it appears to be.. hedonism is not so easily achieved..
I wondered what would happen to her. Whether she would return home to face the monster again; whether she would not see him again at all ; whether she would turn out to be another of those quotable women who will display courage and leave the supposed-to-husband for good and better still , teach them a lesson;
Or would she be another of those women I would read about under the " burnt herself to death : dowry" columns in the papers.
I would never know.
But I hated feeling helpless. I know that there was so much more I could have done. What was it? I don't really have an answer. Why did I not? I do not know. Maybe 'cause I did not know what to do.
And helplessness is the worst feeling. Knowing and seeing it all happen right in front you and knowing better that there is not much you can do is horrible enough. But feeling helpless even when you really are not , is an ineffable feeling.
Perhaps I will never forgive myself for that and this incident will forever remind me of how I remained like another of those highfalutin supposed-to-be-highbrow persons, who were mute spectators.

But I have discovered a temporary cure for helplessness.
And I start dreaming again.. only this time , I don't have a window seat..

another realization.. another change..

2007-05-11T10:46:00.000-07:00

Oh! Today was another wonderful day.. Like most of the other days.. each day is a wonder.. before you have spent it all , ofcourse! But sometimes , we have really wonderful days which retain their wonder.. days which have something realllly special attached to them.. Am not referring to the " everyday specials"..

Hmmmm.... So what made today extra special? Let me not start boasting and take undue credit but leave it to the reader to decide and then say what made it special from my point of view..

Today , we had a family reunion.. Well , it was a puja that we had , but I would prefer calling it a family reunion.. What with exams and all that.. I had been pretty confined to my home and now when I look back , I feel it has been quite sometime since I saw so many of my aunts and uncles..
And today we had an anticipation of aunts and a disappointment of uncles.. Now that is the collective noun.. what can you say?

OOps! As usual , I have managed to digress from the topic..
Sooooo .... among all these people I met.. there was one whom I was not very close to all these years.. V didi is how I address her.. I talk to her like how anyone would talk to a relative they meet once in a bluemoon .. 'coz she is one of tose I meet very very rarely.. She is very very busy.. and I am kinda busy too in my own way ( now am not gonna explain that , so quit looking for explanations)..

I have secretly hoped I could talk to her better.. talk to her just to know more about her.. A very very beautiful lady .. Looks that make you want to know the "she" in her ( whatever that means!)
So , today as I sat diagonally opposite to her, we happened to see each oter simultaneously.. she gave me a huge smile ( aah! She looked awesome , man!) And I returned it with a greater intensity which seemed to be characterised by greater width and all those dimensions that you measure to determine the intensity of a smile..

She got up and came and sat next to me..
V dee : Sope Piyu , how have you been? which year?

Me ( all pleased at the attention received) : hey,.. am fine.. neenge? ippo third year.. Just finished exams yesterday..

She : oh! Super ya! soooo.. free ille? you have internship, your mother said..

Me ( Hmmmm.. she actually asked my Mom about me too?) : Ya dee , I have a year's internship.. looking forward to it.. aaan no exams.. only hospitals!

She : Thats lovely ya (We speakto each other in Tinglish = tamil + English)So what do you plan to do next?

Me ( huh? what I plan on doing next.. Am sure she isnot referring to the lunch that was about to follow.. must have been my career.. ) Hmmmm.. A post-grad ofcourse.. Else there is no point..

She ( looks at me very very encouragingly ): Yes! Yes! You must.. It is fun , you know.. Studying and then working.. really good..

Me ( now am very courageous) : Hey V dee , what happened to your Interior Designing? Have you been doing something related to that?
( She has finished a course in Interior Designing . How good is she at it? You have to see her home. Saying that is is awesome , would be an understatement.)

She ( with a look of dejection) : No di , I am not doing anything about it.. You see , Adi ( her son ) takes up most of my time.. Preparing his breakfast , lunch in the morn.. getting him ready to school and ditto all of that for my hubby.. After Adi leaves , I go shopping once in 3 days.. getting every item in a sequence.. and working on Adi's assignments.. hmmmm.. It takes up a lot of my time.. And feeding the gadjets with the raw and unfinished material , getting them out in their finished form , adding last min touches and additional labour.. phew! Adi returns from school.. and then , its Adi's tennis class.. I get an hour free.. And the maid comes in again.. usually am caught up with something.. At the most, I entertain myself with some TV.. and then , Adi is back.. Homework..and all of that.. Hubby comes at around 10.. and I start with tea.. and the I call it a day at 1!!

Me : Oooooooooo

Now , I am sure you must have been thinking that I must have been crazy to put up a superficially-seemingly-unimportant-dull- conversation like that one.. esp. on a blog which I have begun to use like my diary!

Well! I was dumbfounded at her explanations! rather , justifications for not doing something that she had studied with sooo much of interest ( Have heard her mother and herself saying it.. ) And I felt terrible that there was another talent lost!!

Yes! I perfectly understand the work that comes along with a committment as huge as a marriage.. that each person has a lot of work to be done.. But then , do we discard passions for the sake of duties we are bound to , not always by choice?

She no-doubt , makes a wonderful mom and wifey , but is it all that is required of a woman? All that is required of a woman who was so well - educated and smart?A woman , whose talents were shown in those few instances when she was called upon to do so?
I felt this sudden urge to tell her all that..
And I did..
Frankly , as I cursed myself for having been shown my typical in-your-face attitude , she just patted me and smiled..
She removed her clutcher and let her jet-black hair that seemed to shine and be relieved at being let loose after tight confinement.. She let her hair run down and finally , very gracefully wore the clutcher again.. Aaaah! She was elegance personified.. She had it man.. There was no doubt.. There was a lot of similarity between her hair and her state . and I just could not help noticing..

She smiled again and went on to say how she reallly missed doing her job but is soo occupied with all these.. How she gets all the support to have a professional side to her life too but just cant manage to only because "she does not have time!!"

aaaah! I have heard that often.. not having time and being busy..
But busy with what? With all those perfunctory activities? oh! Come on. Life is more than that.. You get up in the morning , do all the daily chores , carry on though the day with what you are supposed to be dong and finally end the day with a dinner and sleep off and say that you have had no time?
The power of looking back can never be underestimated and mulling over what you have done is something that we need to do often. Just to caution ourselves to stay happy .. and content..

I tell her hat.. I tell her with all the courage I can muster.. I tell her how much I appreciate her designing of her house.. I tell her , how much she can be doing.. How big a difference she can make..
She tells me about her lost team who are in the same boat after having gone the family way.. Phew!
I tell her that she needs to go for it..that life is all about doing something you can call your own..
She would not want to be remembered as someone who did her son's clothes on time or made yummy round parathas..
She winks at me and says that I speak like her husband who wants her to be doing something on the professional front too..
I wait for her response.. Will she do it?
She just smiles and we are called for lunch.. Feeling slightly embarassed for having taken so much liberty , I look away and we go for lunch together.. But this time , we are talking about Hyderabadi bangles and places to visit.. about the latest fashion .. about cuisines.. about my profession.. about my latest class treat.. about her college days..
And I find another friend.. But just one regret of not having made her see my point..

Time for us to leave!
She brushes her locks with elan ( You have mesmerised me lady!)and says that it was wonderful talking to me.. I tell her that I was the lucky one.. We promise to stay in touch.. And that I would stay over at her place for a couple of days during vacations..
She turns to leave .. and looks back at me.. and says..

V dee : Was thinking if I should set up a small scale practise with my prospective-gonna construct a house-friends as customers or should I work with someone to get an idea of accosting and estimation.. Will try getting in touch with the rest of my group..

I look at her.. all pride in my eyes with her looking even more beautiful.. and I know .. that she just made my day..
I sqeeze her in a hug and give her a look that gives my feelings away..only to see her nod that tells me how similar our feelings are..

Another of those times..

2007-04-24T12:34:00.000-07:00

A cup of tea.. a few crispies.. and my fav milky bar.. am done with them all..
Unfortunately , what had to be completed is left pending.. I had promised myself that I will finish Myasthenia Gravis and Meningitis..
Have just managed to finish Myasthenia .. Meningitis is disappointed..
Am not sleepy.. Maybe the exam is not making me tensed as it ought to.. let alone tensed.. it has not made me serious yet!
I flip the same pages half a dozen times.. Atleast the terms seem familiar.. am happy.. and quite miraculously , I seem to be able to recall a few symptoms and medications too.. hmmm.. So I was awake in between at certain points.. The tea did not go waste after all..

Well , I feel pretty euphoric.. now I need a break.. my blog!!
So here I am.. trying to make story out of nothing..
What am I gonna do after exams? Oh! I have a huge list..that seems to have set me thinking..
Suddenly.. The realization dawns on me that exams are not even a week away..
I better get to reading.. it is fun , I remind myself.. Ofcourse it is..I am going to finish it at any cost..
But wait! Something is missing.. naaa.. I have my course material..
"AAh!" I think aloud and hurry off towards the kitchen with a huge self-satisfactory grin for having unravelled the mystery-of-the missing-whatever , to get another bag of crispies.. maybe , a pack of milano too.. hehe.. :)
Talk of food for thought!

Tell me why you dream..

2007-04-23T11:54:00.000-07:00

"Oh Piyu! You listening to me or what?Please don't tell me it is another of your visions.." Ms.S screams into my ear.. I suddenly hop into the "real" world from which I had made an exit without any permission just a few mins back.. into a world of my own.. Into a world where I rule.. And where I see and predict the future.. where I derive happiness even in solitude.. Where I can be me , not that I am not otherwise.. The sheer ecstasy of having to let your mind wander to the farthest limits and explore! capture the wildest fantasies is an amazing feeling.. and words can never take the privilege of describing a feeling as powerful as that one!The power in a dream!
I cling onto them.. not wanting to let go.. not wanting to be..

Like what Langston Hughes said ..

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

Was just reading through a few 4-liners on dreams by Sri Chinmoy.. Happened to come across it by chance..
What I have come to believe is that each dream is a creation. It could be a conscious aspiration or an unconscious one. The creation of an idea.. a concept..
Every aspiration takes us to the world of desire.. each iota of aspiration also expedites the arrival of realization.And this aspiration-life enters into our realization-life or vice versa , so that our aspiration-life becomes perfect for the awakening of our physical reality and blossoming of our soul-reality , which is within us and for us.
A dream is a creation.A dream is a disguised reality.And any disguised reality can not remain in disguise always.It purifies our mind and offers dynamism to whatever we do. It leads to awakening.

The ability to dream is probably one of the best gifts that we are endowed with.. It really does not matter what you are dreaming about as long as you are dreaming.. after all , dreaming unleashes the "you" and presto! You are a winged bird! Free!! Free to create.. free to turn it all into reality..

Having said all that, I still cant put in words the joy that I experience when I am just dreaming..
And here I would like to quote some beautiful lines by Edgar Allan Poe ..
Oh! that my young life were a lasting dream!
My spirit not awakening, till the beam
Of an Eternity should bring the morrow.
Yes! tho' that long dream were of hopeless sorrow,
'Twere better than the cold reality
Of waking life, to him whose heart must be,
And hath been still, upon the lovely earth,
A chaos of deep passion, from his birth.
But should it be- that dream eternally
Continuing- as dreams have been to me
In my young boyhood- should it thus be given,
'Twere folly still to hope for higher Heaven.
For I have revell'd, when the sun was bright
I' the summer sky, in dreams of living light
And loveliness,- have left my very heart
In climes of my imagining, apart
From mine own home, with beings that have been
Of mine own thought- what more could I have seen?
'Twas once- and only once- and the wild hour
From my remembrance shall not pass- some power
Or spell had bound me- 'twas the chilly wind
Came o'er me in the night, and left behind
Its image on my spirit- or the moon
Shone on my slumbers in her lofty noon
Too coldly- or the stars- howe'er it was
That dream was as that night-wind- let it pass.

I have been happy, tho' in a dream.
I have been happy- and I love the theme:
Dreams! in their vivid coloring of life,
As in that fleeting, shadowy, misty strife
Of semblance with reality, which brings
To the delirious eye, more lovely things
Of Paradise and Love- and all our own!
Than young Hope in his sunniest hour hath known.

Simple lines. not much fancy literature.. But so very wonderful..

I wish I could get Ms.S to see what all this is about.. But alas! She has already managed to get me to the canteen with me having made the exit and entry once again..

Much ado about a wedding??!!!???

2007-04-21T01:54:00.000-07:00

Sheesh! I did not even think that I would have to post something as least significant as this one.. but the intensity to do that just to appease my hunger of sharing it with someone , makes me do it..
It still beats me!! And I sometimes wonder .. what is wrong? Look around you!! There is so much to be done.. lot of tasks unfinished.. lot of them not even begun.. and lot to be thought about.. lots to be achieved.. lots to be made and lots to be marred..

Phew! Without anymore circumlocutions , let me get to the topic..
Ofcourse am referring to a wedding.. yes! A mere wedding which seems to have made the news channels seem to forget what they are meant for! the role of media in today's world.. in gathering people's opinion , being an instrument of public opinion .. briefly put , in ensuring that the society functions in a smooth way without hitches.. that a democracy stays so.. blah blah..
Well !That seems far from reality.. Ofcourse! Many a time in the past , we have all witnessed as to how a teeny weeny event of no consequence and significance is blown out of proportion and the newspapers go gaga over them , neglecting and sidelining what is actually crucial..
And this another of those times , when they have gone overboard.. Without taking any names..
For the past 3 days , it has been a nuisance to flip channels and watch news.. coz' the only news seems to be "the wedding".. Yeah.. 2 bollywood actors are getting ,married.. So what? That does not mean that national news channels have to display them as stallers! And re-tun the same piece of news about the groom waving his hand ( let him be!) or a few of the who's-who arriving at the venue!!

And sample this.. All this was done when the party concerned(read : family of groom and bride) was trying its best to make it a very simple affair without any publicity stints!
And what do our journalists do? They camp outside the very many houses of the the groom ( I think) and try to cling onto every little thing that happens!!
What for? Just so that their channel gets to broadcast it first!!
Talk of competition..

And well! What do I say? India is after all a democracy and I would not go on defining it.. No point in doing so..
And we are a nation who raise cine-stars and cricket stars to Utopian class and worship them as demi-Gods.. a bollywood star breaking a finger or getting a new hairdo is great news for us.. and we re-read the news clipping over and over again.. Not all , but then such events are certainly given more credit than due..
Media is probably one of the most powerful tools today.. so powerful , that it takes a lot to be able to imagine its magnitude..
if we could divert its attention to something more concrete and important.. I am sure we would go a long way..
And for all those fans of the groom and the bride , who happen to read this post and before you get furious.. let me add.. It was just me expressing my right to opinion(remember our fundamental rights?).. and though a line or 2 about the event occassionally would be absolutely fair , this enormous a coverage , certainly was uncalled for..

Now that it is all over.. what do I do? Maybe .. Wish the couple a very happy and prosperous married life..
And ofcourse.. get back to my share of news.. maybe there aren't any more weddings around the corner.. but hey! What's this now? Jahnavi alias Naina is on headlines again!!

Mirror mirror on the wall..

2007-04-01T08:32:00.000-07:00

Well , I am kind of adopting a serious approach to life ( not forgetting the fun part, though!).. To quote Wordsworth from Daffodils ,
" For oft on my couch I lie ,
In vacant or pensive mood
They flash upon the inward eye ,
Which is the bliss of solitude"

However I dont recollect having seen the daffodils , but rather its quite a handful of other little pleasures many of us are lucky to enjoy in life that seems to have set me thinking..

Like a couple of months back , I was down with a severe cold and high temperature.. Obviously , nothing serious.. But my ma wanted me to go to a doc immediately.. It can get worse she reasoned when Itried to say that it wasn't anything to be worried about at all.. Parents , what can you say? After much cajoling , I finally agreed to do the needful and being listless , I just walked down the lane to the doc who wasn't even a furlong away..

Am a very very finicky person and usually entrust my health to a doc only after confirming the cleanliness and the standards of hygiene at a place..
Well , as it turned out , I had to wait for my turn.. There were quite a few of them waiting for their turn in the clinic ..

As I looked at all those posters that docs usually put up on the walls of their clinic , I found that diagonally opposite to where I sat , there were 2 kids..a girl and a boy , siblings I thought as I tried to listen to their conversation..The girl was the elder one , maybe around 9 yrs , extremely lean , hair unkempt , sunken eyes .. but one thing remained intact and that was the smile , the innocence that shone, the inquisitiveness that was so much a part of any other kid , the " i-am-no-lesser-than-you" look.... Her brother was maybe around 6yrs or soo.. I , at once, with the limited knowledge I had about nutrition, thought that he was certainly malnourished like his sister , maybe close to suffering from Kwarshiorkar or Marasmus..
He was listening to what his sister was saying , very intently , and nodding now and then , trying to peep into the doc's chamber once in a while and glancing a nervous look ( which I presumed was out of fear of injections!) and I could see that he shared with his sister , the twinkle in his eye ..
I honestly could not decide which of the two was physically sick , maybe because they both looked so very weak and malnourished .. or maybe 'cause they didnt let the physical ailment deter them from chattering away as if they were in perfect health and had come there for a trip.. Not very far , I saw a woman , coughing incessantly , the pain from coughing repeatedly, very evident on her face ; she wasn't too greatly dressed , she had a tattered bag which she kept adjusting everytime she coughed..
I tried to strike up a conversation with the kids.. Apparently , the sister was telling the bro' about the kid on a poster.. The kid was dressed like a doc. and had a huge grin on his face..
I moved to the empty seat near the girl and asked her name with a gentle smile on my face lest I should scare them away on my first meet. She looked at me , all of the 9 yrs of her , all of the innocence and courage and said , " Mala". She stared at me for sometime , my mobile , my jeans and then looked away and I could see that I had disrupted an exciting conversation between the siblings.. Though , she tried not to look at me in my eye , I caught her stalthily trying to see me and probably make an assessment of the stranger who had asked her name out of the blue ..I wanted to talk to the kid at any cost.. I again nudged her with my little finger and asked her if she went to school .. She just smiled weakly at me and said , she did but not regularly.. She had lot of other work unlike many of us.. She had a grandma at home whom she had to take care of when her mother went out to sell greens , when her father was busy toiling away as a construction worker during the day.. I asked her if her brother attended school to which she replied saying that he fell sick so constantly , that he could not be put to school as their parents feared his health.. Her mother was not well for about a month now and after being told by one of the kind customers that she should get herself tested , she had come to the clinic and brought the kids too.. Well , Mala didn't seem to be too affected as she had been seeing this all , right from when she was born.. Not wishing to talk more about the not-so-pleasant-events , I switched the topic and asked her what she wanted to be when she was a big girl .. She gave me a shy smile and pointed to the poster on the wall with the kid dressed up as a doc. and said " I want to be a doc. So then , I can treat my grandma , send my brother to school and my parents will no longer have to work.."
What a world , I thought!! I have always known that there are the rich and the-not-so-rich.. Have seen the most cruel form of poverty during some of my travels.. But a determination of this one? NEVER.
A dream like this one? NEVER. A sense of responsibility like this one? NEVER.
What struck me suddenly , was that dreams are free of cost , no doubt.But it takes a lot of it to be able to dream. A lot of courage. A lot of determination. People say , that chasing your dream isvery important. But I would always say that being able to dream is a challenge by itself.
Any of you reading this on your comp. may have innumerable dreams .. maybe coz' you can afford to. maybe coz' you have the confidence in you that you would make it someday.
But here comes a small girl , who was so sure of what she wanted to be in her life.
I just sat lost in thoughts. I reflected on the kind of lives we have been nlessed with .Everyone talks of them. Butit takes one of such experiences to make you realize the magnanimity of the blessings. A hot soup. A hug.A family to care for you. A hug. A pat on your back.A good word. A cold drink . A great school . A Greater college and overall , an expensive education. A car to take you where you want to go. An empty parking lot. An icecream. the list is endless.. And we never even pause to reflect on such everyday blessings..

I find my new-friend very shyly nudging me , with a pleading look .. I look at her , smile and say " ya?".. She says .. " When I go to my neighbour's place during freetime , I watch some TV. I have seen people listening to music through phone on TV. Does your phone have music too? Can I please listen to one song?" She even mentions the song.. I smile at her innocence..
Unfortunately , I have the basic , phones-are-meant-for calls- and-messages-only-types mobile.. However I have few ringtones andtell her so.
She readily nods and asks me to play them. She tells her brotehr to listen too..
I play a couple of ringtones for her. Mostly English and she likes them all.
Little things. Abundant happiness. I realize its my turn to visit the doc. I see their mother coming out of the doc's chamber with the prescription list in her hand. Will she buy the medicines? What problem does she have? Iwant to ask her. But I refrain from doing soo..

Its time for my new-found friends to leave. mala says a quick bye and like a any other responsible , possessive sister , takes her brother by her hand and walks out of the clinic.. they are back to their usual conversation..
I say a small prayer for having been blessed and feel proud of Mala for reasons I can never pen down.

Will I ever forget this meet? Never. 'Cause , learning outside classrooms and football grounds is the best form of learning , after all..

Someday I want to..

2007-03-29T12:01:00.000-07:00

Well , the title isn't really apt considering the list I have which features zillion things I wanna be doing someday..

But this one probably figures in the top very-few.. Very very few , actually..

As a kid , I have always been fascinated by this one game " Teacher-teacher" .. Oh! I loved it.. and loved it with all my heart.. Would just drape my ma's saree around , take a long scale , chalk , a long book and ofcourse wear my paati's ( grandma's) glassless spectacle frame and start addressing the class of invisible pupils who seemed to have the same names of my classmates at kindergarten..

And even now , when I look back , I can trace the happiness I derived from a game as simple as that one.. Earlier it wasthe sheer fantasy of using red ink , correcting the course-books , scolding students the way you wanted ( the ones who had beaten at a game of capseller!), the joy of having no exams and so much more..

I even remember , how at school in the 4th std., one of our teachers had asked a few students to help out a few other students with certain subjects they weren't comfortable with.. I was assigned Mr.V with whom I took the complete liberty of acting like a Head Mistress and even gave him homework.. good old days..

And as I come back to the present , I feel nothing much has changed.. the passion to teach and share the little that I know with the kids is still there , very much there.. Yes! Maybe with changes here and there.. first reason being , that it is no more the sheer fantasy for all the seemingly childish aspects above but for much more.. and it has grown with time.. and probably will live on forever with me in the time to come..

Very fortunately , each one of us gets to realize this passion ( it is , for me!) knowingly or unknowingly at some point in their lifetime.. It could be just helping out your sibling at homework or maybe even cycling , teaching your dog new tricks , sharing something you know about a gadget you have recently purchased , with a family member , helping a toddler to walk.. life is full of that!

But ofcourse , I am referring to teaching in classrooms.. maybe even at summer camps , workshops and just about anywhere where you get to use your creativity and share the little things they call "knowledge"..

That reminds me about the small school I have here at home over weekends.. It has just 3 kids.. 2 of them being our home-helper's kids and the third being their tag-along friend.. They have the privilege of going to school unlike many of their pack , thanks to their mother who is very very particular about their children going to school , learning english ( She says that with pride and I love the fire in her!) and even nurses a dream of seeing her kids turning out to be docs or engineers.. rare but true!

So , as I said , they come over during weekends to learn math and a bit of other subjects.. Course-work , they are fast at it and I truly enjoy in a manner that words can never ever describe.. But what is better is .. that I learn so much from them.. their school , the kids there , the little tales , why Mangala's son stopped coming to school suddenly and how he has been pushed to cattle grazing , the kind of meals they get as a part of the so-called scheme , the games they play, the kind of simplicity and unity that shows in their actions , the innocence, the crefree nature and what not.. and I relive my childhood memories.. And that probably is the best gift a teacher can ask for..

Someday down the lane , I see myself standing in a classroom surrounded by ebullient kids , all 5 or 6 yrs of them in a classroom or maybe a camp and me sharing and learning with them.. bringing the child out in me.. truly enjoying it all and doing it differently in a manner that they would truly enjoy..

Would I forget the weekends I spent a few yrs back?
Ofcourse not.. after all , that is what you call , the power of a beginning..

Powercuts can be fun!!

2007-03-28T09:21:00.000-07:00

"Huh?" Did you say?
Well lemme say it again.. POWERCUTS ARE FUN..

Ofcourse am not referring to powercuts in homes which have UPS and all the technical crap that doesn't let you enjoy the true spirit of darkness..
You think I have lost it , dont you?
Well , actually not..
Read on....

Picture yourself sitting outside in the portico on your favourite comfy chair , with your family playing a game of word building or even Antakshari or even Dumb Charades.. Man! Its fun , trust me!! I have done it.. Thanks to the UPS that got all messed up and we spending the time we experience powercuts just the way they should be , that made me realize the true happiness that can be pursued even during the "darkest of the hours"..

Now dont ask me , why don't you do all that with electricity..

As I said , its not the same fun .. and the other thing thats unfortunately true is that we just dont seem to have time when there is electricity.. Funny but true!

Well , I dont even know what prompted me to post something on powercuts.. It was just a passing thought when my brother , ma and I had a ball of time when there was a powercut today and our UPS was upto its tricks..

Yeah! There are a lot of things that get held up when there is no power , but surely , there's a lot more that can be done without it too!!
Like , a true candlelight dinner.. No wonder it's considered so very romantic and all .. I have never had a candlelight dinner till date , but I can surely imagine the thrill and .... of it all..

Nothing like , feeling the fresh breeze when all you can see is the moon and the wide road ( sans streetlights , ofcourse!) and the trees swaying to the rhythm of the breeze.. wow! The very thought is so very beautiful..

How about the bliss of solitude? Its kinda nice to slip into one of your serious moods and think of something that you have always wanted to do.. maybe even relish those sweet childhood memories.. or if you are the forever-gotta-keep-my-brain-active types , then maybe a sudoku in candlelight is romantic too..

So next time , there is a powercut , maybe you could cut down your share of cursing the electricity board..Go out there and enjoy the darkness.. After all , powercuts are fun too!!
You still think I have lost it , dont you?
Cheers!!!!

Rinku , I am smiling..

2007-03-23T10:18:00.000-07:00

I sit perched on the edge of my bed , faint smiles drifting across my face , as I sift through all my photographs.. I dig down into all the old memories.. all those excursions with school-friends, the school socials , farewell and all the little events which were then so seemingly-important.. I can see the mischievous streak , the sheer joy of being there with each other during those wonderful 10 years at school..

I hold each memory briefly in my hands before dropping it into the pile in my lap and searching for the next happy moment I remember.. Each picture evokes feelings long gone , but deep within me..

I am not sure what has prompted me to take this sudden trip to my past , but I feel like I need to stop , and look back.

As I continue to pull out each snap and relive the memories , I suddenly come across a snap which has the picture of a girl who brings a smile on any face the minute you see her.. and the photo is no exception.. Rinku ( is what I call her) and I are in the snap , the evergreen smiles intact , holding each other tight during the farewel , making a silent promise to each other that things will remain the same and never change.. never at all..

Rinku .. just the kind of girl who likes her soft toys , giggles and cusses at times.. but beneath all that .. had a gem of a heart. a true patriot , very very helpful ( she gave me her lunch box with yummy parathas in second std when I had forgotten mine ..), loved animals , very bubbly and loaded with enthusiasm .. sang like an angel ( so pure and so very divine..)her presence meant everything to me.. knowing that we were there for each other.. every moment..

And now, as I recollect those memories.. the treks , the time spent during lunch hours , all those chits passed , those caricatures , I can feel an overwhelming sense of sadness and emptiness somewhere..

It takes me sometime to remind myself that Rinku is no longer physically there somewhere.. Very crudely put , all of us lost her in a road traffic accident..

My heart aches when I think of not being there to even see the last of her.. maybe its good in a way.. 'cause I heard that she was in a very bad shape after she collided against the truck..and I would always want to remember Rink with that smiley face of hers..
But rinku committed one last deed that made her immortal even in death.. made her alive.. and more than anything made another person's life..
She donated her eyes..

What if Rinku was here with us? Maybe we would have still been classmates.. maybe we would still indulge in all those little pleasures of life.. maybe we would still have those fights over petty issues as to who would get to ride the activa.. maybe we would still pass those chits .. and share our dreams of making the world a beter place.. of having a dog of each breed someday.. crazy thoughts.. but so very wonderful..

Suddenly the photo appears all blurred.. I blink away the tears and smile faintly and then give a wider smile.. Rinku always had her smile on.. and so did I whenever I was with her.. She is still a part of me.. and much as I miss her , I have a feeling that she is somewhere out there as my guardian angel.. I give one long look at her photo and put it under the glass on my table as I say out aloud , " Rinku , I am smiling.."

A choice I made..

2007-03-18T10:22:00.000-07:00

"Piyu, I think you should give medicine a serious thought.. Its after all , a noble profession.."My father says, looking up from behind the newspaper he has been reading with unusual interest for an unusually loong period of time.. Its feb and one of those months when the newspapers are flled with advertisements for various courses..
I look up when he says that and flash a oh-no-there-we-go-again smile.. We have been doing this for quite sometime now.. juggling between various career choices.. " Ofcourse Pa ,medicine is great.. But I see myself doing something different.." I say..
"Different? But what , Piyu? After all , you have to do something that someone or the other has done!!" , he says very gently and I just love him for that..
"Ya pa , but I can always choose the less-trodden path.. if not create one for the time-being..' I repeat that with almost the same amount of calm but fierce determination to make him see my point.. and hoping he would nod his head vigorously ..
He continues.. " Wel , you say you dont want to be an engineer.. But it is such an everygreen arena.. and I am sure you will do well at that.. after all you love mathematics and physics" he says.. "and there is a plethora of job oppurtunities and...."
My mother calls out from the kitchen with equal enthusiasm.. Engineering has been her most favourite( exaggeration intended!) word lately.. " You know Ravi , Rama's son? He got a good percentage and is placed in an MNC now.. He did it from such an ordinary college here and still.. Piyu , I think you must do engineering.. Its after all the most potential choice.."
I can see my father throwing a see-I-told-you looks at me and I wish I could disappear..
No.. they aren't wrong at all.. Both are right in a way.. No parent would want their son/daughter to take a risk with his/her career and my parents are no exception.. And I have been blessed to have parents like these who shared so much with me in such a great manner and took the pains to consult me instead of only enforcing their likes on me..
I lie back and think.. am in very pensive mood.. Lately , lot of things have been going on my mind.. I dont have anything against medicine / engineering / .... but its the sheer fantasy to do something I would truly enjoy and which others would benefit from too.. I have signed up for a lot of entrance exams.. Law , medicine(ya!)engineering(ya again!!),biotechnology and what not!! Law has always had a very special place in my heart.. and so has biotech..

Days roll by.. I am back to business with Boards' preps and I finish them too and am happy with my performance.. Infact am very happy about them..

Now time for Entrance!! First happens to be the All India Law Entrance which has always topped my list.. I love the stuff we have for entrance.. have always been into literature and anything that lets you use words to express yourself and I wait for the exam literally.. And with full encouragement from my family ( they have always been supportive!) I manage to do well in that too.
Come , my medical and engineering entrance.. Honestly speaking , I dont give my best to them.. But somehow , by fluke! I find the papers okey-dokey and feel I have performed quite decently for the kind of preps I have had..
Well , results out and I have managed to find myself a place in goo colleges and now am in more trouble!! WHat do I choose? Every aunt and uncle of mine wants me to be this or that.. Phew!! Talk of choices!!

After a lot of thought and what seemed like eternity , I decide to take up a course in biotech 'cause there is about a month time to enroll for other courses and that gives me time to think..phew! you say..

Somewhere along the way , I knew that, that wasn't what I wanted.. that the career I wanted was not any of those for which I had written entrance exams....
Life is all too unpredictable.. like an sms I received from a good friend of mine says .. Life gives you an answer in 3 ways.. It says "yes" and gives you what you want , it says "no" and gives you something better and it says "wait" and gives you the best!!..
And then it happened..
I just came home after college one day and my father asked me casually.. " Piyu , there is this ad for a course at .... Its a course for those who are interested in rehabilitation of the special population.. They have an All India Entrance and results would be out in 4 days.. its an All India Institute.. and ofcourse we all know about it.. " He showed me the ad and I felt a feeling that I had not felt so far.. a diferent kind of eagerness and enthusiasm that was not experienced before took over me.. and I found myself completing the formalities totake up the entrance.. Subjects were similar to those of any medical exam and I didnt have to do any extra preps..
Exam written! results out! I bagged a seat.. phew!
But the skeptic-in-me wanted me to have a look at the place and see for myself and decide if I still wanted to be a part of it..
The minute I entered the campus .. It was love at first sight.. The best part was the clinics.. the kind of clinical population being catered to.. the satisfaction.. the pride.. Yes!! Yes!! Yes!! I wanted to be a part of it all.. and I had never felt this strong a feeling before..the thought of having to see a smile of relief on the mothers' faces when they see their children call them so , all those children with mental challenges ,autism , learning disability , expressive language delay and all kinds of diagnosis trying to do their best to survive in a world where the so-called-normals dominate.. the joy of bestowing the gift of communication to someone who has never uttered a word before.. the determination to prolong someone's lifespan even when you know that person has a fatal syndrome .. The thought of having to restore memory and communication to someone who lost it all in an accident which turned his life upside down.. ..........and many many more....
I found myself completing the admission procedures and today its been about almost 3 yrs since I made this choice.. My parents were and have always been supportive of this choice.. infact they are proud I made one like this.. I do have a few uncles and aunts who are a bit apprehensive of the choice I made and who still say " Oh Piyu! What a fine engineer you would have made!! What a great doctor you would have been!! All those ranks in school and college could have been put to better use.. blah blah" But the people who say this are really few as against those who have stood by me and encouraged me in every walk of life.. And who believe that self-contentment is bliss..

My younger brother deserves a special mention.. He has always stood by his didi and I love him for all that he has done ..
Today , I proudly look back at all the 3 yrs of happiness , 3 yrs of fun , 3 yrs of sheer joy for being into what I have loved every single minute , 3 yrs that have redefined my life..I think of all the smiles I have brought about on those faces , the ecstasy we have shared and I find myself smiling proudly , my head high , nodding vigorously at the thought of having made the right choice after all....

CHOICES..

2007-03-17T07:36:00.000-07:00

Everyone makes them. At every step in their life.Choices made because there is a dire need to do so. Choices that save a life. Choices that are not really your own. Maybe not at each step. Looking back at my own life I cant seem to recollect even a single phase where I have not made a choice. After all , life is all about making choices..

Am not referring to just another of those choices between the right and the wrong. Not even a choice that is legal or illegal. Am referring to those choices that everyone of us makes during our lifetime and those which we make keeping just the happiness of self and contentment in mind.... Choices which may , to others , on first glance look like another of those hasty decisions made but deep down there you know you have stood upto what you have believed in ..not because it is right .. not because society terms it legal .. not because it will make you popular.. but only because , somewhere deep down , you know thats what you really want and will be happy with..

Ever seen the little kids with those huge smiles plastered on their faces.. all the innocence , the sweetness and pure joy is ever there and they somehow seem to be ever-so-contagious.. I have always felt one of the greatest reasons behind that smile is again the choice they have made.. Little do they worry about what adults worry (now now .. Thats a huge list!!) their choice of actions fulfills just one main criterion and that being "to be happy", to seek pleasure in little things and maybe see fun in everything they do.. Ofcourse their experimenting may not always lead to positive results but then , at the end of the day , they have lived their life and what's more? They have enjoyed it..

I started writing all this to share my experience about one such choice I made in my life keeping purely the happiness of myself and the others around me in mind.. a choice that I am happy for and will never ever regret at any point in my life..

I wanna start it all afresh as a new post coz' I really wouldnt be doing justice if I didnt say it the way I want to..

ATLAST!! A BLOG OF MY VERY OWN!!

2007-03-16T12:27:00.000-07:00

Yipppeeee!!Ever seen a kid who gets on his twos after a reallllly looong struggle? The happiness , the relief of having become more like the creatures-around-him is so very evident!(ofcourse am referring to humans , you didnt think I was talking of Mowgli , did you?)
That precisely is what I am feeling at the moment.. One may just snub it off ( I think I can already see smirks!)After all in a global village like ours , I wouldn't be surprised if a pre-schooler has a blog of his own too!

Every single day or the other , I used to read articles on what blogging was all about, the power of blogging , blah blah.. This was a few years back if my hippocampus isn't deceiving me, which it usually doesn't.. And the desire to create a blog of my own was only increasing in intensity with every passing day until one fine day when I totally forgot about it and time rolled by..

Until today!!

I just happened to sign into orkut and just as I was replying to one of the scraps a friend had left , I happened to see this community for bloggers on her homepage.. And lo!! I decided it was now or never! And here I am with an account I can call my own!! And you gotta trust me when I say its all sheer determination .. see the time man! If it weren't for sheer determination , one wouldn't be up and about creating an account with 2 assignments pending and waiting to be submitted ..

My friends say I have an opinion on everything and that my opinions when in the graphic form usually run into pages.. So, currently I am working on putting my thoughts in a very concise and precise manner without it losing any of its charm.. But somethings are best said when said in absolute detail and I am a staunch believer of that one..
So I guess , its just another of those "mission-impossible" cases and I would probably end up making the reader ( If anyone risks reading all this , that is) all bleary-eyed by the time she/he finishes reading one post..

Much as I would like to continue , the 2 assignments on my table waiting to be finished beckon to me.. And I decide to finally get back to "work" .. maybe I can finish them off ..
Naaa.. maybe just one for now.. the other will have to be disappointed..
Hmmm.. not really.. after all , what are tomorrows for?
Cheers!!