and he chose to "burn" my "alms"

My blogs have been far and between. But then, they have never been continuous. Much of innumerable instances of great magnitude have passed. And yet, today I resolve to write. And write this very instant.

Today, I was at a bus stop. Yes, I am currently on the use-the-public-transport-and-save-Earth mission whenever I can. So, we had to go to the city and ma and moi decided to take a bus ride. Just as we got near, we saw an elderly man in very modest clothing. As soon as we got into the "bus stop area", he stretched out his hand for alms. One look at people with out-stretched hands, my heart wails. Yes. I am one of your it-is-her-types-who-encourage-beggary girl. Try as I might to get them out of it, I can't.
Before I could cast one of those longing looks at my ma, she had already given him a one rupee coin. Nope. I was not satisfied. I kept looking at him. My attention was drawn to his ankle where I noticed that he had a really deep wound on his left ankle and it was out there. Bare. I cannot describe what I felt that instant. It was almost as if I was witnessing something so dreadful that I must have stared at it in disbelief. Right then, I just wanted to tell him one thing- to get his wound dressed. I went to him, handed over some money and said, " Please get your wound cleaned". He looked up at me very gratefully as though I had done him a big favour and shook his head. I repeated what I had told him. He looked up and and vocalized gratefully. He cannot speak, I realized. I gestured to tell him what he must do and went back to where we were standing, all the while looking at him and his wound. He stayed there for a few minutes and then walked to a small shop nearby that had a huge bunch of bananas and li'l munchies in those huge glass jars.

I was touched. I knew he wanted to buy himself something to eat. I kept watching him. I probably did it on an impulse. The shopkeepers for sure must have thought I was giving them weird stares. He doodled in front of the shop for a while and then I could see him trying to communicate with the shopkeeper, the shopkeeper bringing out something from what seemed like a box, the man waiting to collect something from the shopkeeper. As the shopkeeper was packing something below the table, I presumed that he was wrapping some chaklis or nippats.

And then, I saw it. A whole mega-pack of Ganesha beedis. I was shocked. I felt dumb too.For some weird reason, I felt that I had wronged him. My friends tell me that I am doing the wrong thing by giving alms to people. That, I must not encourage this. It is never the money. It is not even the smoking-causes-lung-cancer-and-air-pollution thoughts or why is he spoiling his health thought that was on my mind.It is something beyond that. As he sat by the bus stop, lighting one beedi after the other, I didn't feel angry with him. I was apalled by his resilience. Was he so accustomed to his wound that he felt no pain? Did all the smoking give him some form of relief? Was he not hungry at all? Would it not have been better if I had actually bought him something to eat? What ensued in less than half hour has set me thinking for long now.


I continued to think till the bus came and beyond. As I turned to see him one last time, I smiled to myself for he had chosen to burn.my alms

P.S. The post was just a reflection like the other posts of mine. It may seem so commonplace that none of you may even read till here. But then, I am sure there are many of you out there who carry similar feelings and have helped people in many ways. Did you witness something thought provoking? Have you ever reflected on the aftermath later? Seen something out of ordinary? I'd love to know.